Welcome to the shit show!

I'm Barrie...I’m sarcastic, vocal, stubborn, strong willed, and kind of a pain in the ass. Welcome to my funny little parenting blog about the trials of life, kids, work, and pure exhaustion. Follow me as I fumble my way through this parenting thing. I promise, there will be lots of laughs, probably some tears, and most definitely monumental parenting blunders. Being a mom is hard, stressful, and crazy at times. Grab a drink and enjoy the shit show!

 

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Humor, Working Mom

How Having A Toddler Is Like Having The WORST Boss Ever

I think it is safe to say that we have all had really terrible, asinine, and arrogant bosses at one time or another. You know, the total assholes that suck the life out of you pretty much every day. I know I have. I’ve had bosses that would bring me to tears multiple times during the day. And that got me thinking as I sat on my own couch in tears of frustration courtesy of my very own little three-year-old “boss”. She is an awful lot like the unpleasant bosses I have encountered throughout my career.
Here are the top reasons my toddler is like my worst boss ever…And there happen to be 10 of them:

10. The micro-managing. Seriously, there are rules for everything. Toddler rules: Watch out if you put the cereal in the wrong colored bowl for that day, cut the sandwich incorrectly, or give her the “spicy” binkie. Asshole boss rules: Don’t you dare get them in the wrong seat on an airplane, order lunch from the wrong place for a meeting, or schedule a meeting over the three-hour workout window. The wrath will be felt. IDIOT.

9. You cannot reason with them. You can try until you are blue in the face. It is their way or the highway. Sound familiar?
8. Always wrong. You can never do anything right or be good enough. No matter what. Hmmmm….sounds a lot like my toddler; AND my old boss.
7. Mind reading. Toddlers and bosses expect you to know what they are thinking at all times. You better learn to anticipate what they might want before they have to ask. Better yet? Just read their minds. Got it?
6. Punching a clock. Bad bosses watch you constantly or make you account for every second of your day. Take a little too much time making your lunch in the break room or check your phone too often? You’re done. Toddlers…they can’t even go two seconds without wanting to know where you are and what you are doing. Don’t go to the bathroom for longer than a minute. Don’t go into the other room to take a phone call. They will hunt you down. They will find you.
5. Demanding. Bosses and toddlers alike are very demanding people. They want everything now, now, now. Is it done yet? Hurry up.
 
4. Performance reviews. Toddlers, like asshole bosses, never give good performance reviews. No constructive criticism here. Do you even do anything right? Nope.
3. Approval. We are constantly seeking the approval of our employers. We want to make them happy and succeed in our jobs. Much like our little toddler dictators. We want their approval and love.
2. Belittlement. I’ve had bosses that made me feel like a complete failure. Most often, they do this in public or in front of other employees in a condescending way. My toddler, she does the same thing …usually in public.
And…the #1 reason MY toddler is just like MY worst boss ever…
1.  Wiping ass. Boss babies, much like toddlers, need their hands held and their asses wiped. They like to think they are “big kids” and can do everything by themselves…but when that fails, mommy is there to clean up the shit show.
There is one BIG difference. I love my baby dearly. She can be as awful as she wants, and I will never “quit” this job.
Bosses, do better. Do, better.
Humor, kids, Uncategorized

On Demand Mom

We all live in the age of instant gratification. These days, kids really don’t know any different. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t want things when they want them. On their terms. My kids…they have no patience for waiting. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Why? Because they don’t have to. Everything is on demand. They have known nothing else. From movies, games, and TV shows to shopping, food and social media. All readily available with just the click of a button. Easy. Even my three-year-old knows how to select on demand movies.
My own little angels seem to think that just because they can get just about everything else instantaneously, mom can do the same. I’ve become the “on demand mom.” At the drop of a hat, they expect me to get them whatever it is they need…just like clicking the remote button.
Mommmmmmmmm…Can you…? (fill in the blank with just about anything you want)
1. Absolutely…let me get off the toilet and get you another granola bar. No need to wait until I am finished. I won’t even wipe.
2. I would love to get up off the couch 13 times and get you assorted beverages in assorted colored cups.
3. Your favorite clean socks aren’t clean? I’d be happy to stay up until midnight getting the laundry done to ensure you have them ready for the morning.
4. Sure. Let me hang up the phone with my boss and get you popcorn. Right now. No worries at all.
5. The first outfit I picked out for you isn’t right? Well by all means, let me run upstairs and get a different one. I am sure I can read your mind this time. The bus can wait.
6. You want ice cream? Dishes and homework don’t need to get done first. Let’s go to Dairy Queen right now.
7. Sure honey, let me get out of the shower with soap on my hair immediately to get your stuffed animal back from your brother. I won’t even waste time and grab a towel.
8. Of course, I will carry your backpack and jacket to the car. I am only carrying your sister, artwork, two lunch boxes, and my purse. You just walk to the car completely empty handed so you can find the perfect rock outside on the way.
9. You want me to enter in the password for you to play Pokémon online? I will be there immediately. Thanksgiving dinner can wait.
I do my best to get you everything you need as quickly as I can. But there are three of you and only ONE of me. Sorry kids. Like it or not… mom is not “on demand”.
My Random Musings
Uncategorized

Dear Random Chin Hair

Dear random chin hair,

 I first noticed you several years ago when I looked in the mirror to put on my make-up one morning. There it was…something black poking out of my chin. At first, I thought maybe you were just a stray hair, one that I could just brush you away. But then you didn’t brush. That is when I had the horrifying realization that you were attached. To my chin. My 20-something year old chin. There you were in all your coarse, black glory sprouting your prickly head out of the bottom of my chin. Of course I immediately plucked you away and just assumed you were a rogue, one-time visitor. But you were not. You kept coming back, for years…and now, I’ve had enough. I want you to know that I truly hate your guts. Really. I fricking hate you with every fiber of my being.
Where do you come from? Why do you think that my chin is a good place to call your home? Everyone knows that women are not supposed to have facial hair. Perhaps you are seriously confused. I’m not a man. Let me prove it to you. I can’t do any of the things that men can do…like I can’t pee standing up; I don’t adjust myself in public; I don’t greet people by looking at their chests; and I didn’t have a beard…at least until you started showing up unannounced and unwelcome on my chin.
Now, I know that one measly black chin hair every now and again is not the end of the world. Maybe not to you anyway. But I don’t want you. I never wanted you. All you are is a terrible reminder that I am slowly turning into a masculine old hag. A reminder that things just steadily go downhill as we age. A reminder that I will just get fatter, sweatier, and hairier with each passing day. It’s only a matter of time. What’s next, a mustache? Don’t get any ideas for your little friends.
So, despicable, nasty black chin hair. I loathe you. Take the hint and GO AWAY. You are not welcome to take residence on my chin. Take this letter as a warning…If I see you again, I’ll pluck you immediately and possibly consider laser-removal. Watch it, you asshole.
Love,
Me and my chin
 
 
3 Little Buttons
JENerally Informed

 

3 Little Buttons
Uncategorized

Guess Who is NOT Getting Mom of the Year?

Well friends, if there was ever going to be a two way tie for crap-tastic mother of the year, it will be going to the Midwestern Misfit Mom Team Barrie Bismark and Kristin McCarthy. Between the two ranty, snarky moms there are seven kids, 8 million grey hairs (or more), several nervous breakdowns and countless parenting blunders. 
 In fact, there are so many parenting fails between the two suburban goddesses that it has taken a good couple of months to narrow down the Four Greatest Parenting Fails between the two of them. No really. It ended up being a very long and depressing list.
Without further adieu Barrie and Kristin bring you the top five stories which make them the world’s WORST mothers…at least in their self- judging eyes.


Barrie Lights Granny on Fire!

We lost my mother-in-law earlier this year. It was a tough time for everyone as she was very ill for a long time. She had decided that she wanted to be cremated and since her battle was quite long, we had many conversations with the kids about death and what happens after you die.
One day, my oldest (7 at the time) asked what cremation meant since he heard us talking about it. How do you explain that to a 7 year-old? Everything I read said to be as simple and direct as possible, so, I simply said “cremation is when you burn a body after someone dies instead of burying them at a cemetery. Grandma is in heaven now so she doesn’t need it anymore.” He seemed ok with that answer and didn’t really say much, so I thought I was in the clear. Well, what I neglected to explain was that there are people that do this at the funeral home when family is not present. This, I learned, was a very important detail for a seven-year-old. After the funeral was over and we all started packing up our things to leave, he said, “when do we go to the fire?” I was confused. What fire is he talking about? He proceeded to say “I thought we had a fire to burn grandma.” Well, shit. FAIL. Poor kid thought we had a bonfire in the backyard and threw grandma in. MOM FAIL. He spent days thinking about the “grandma bonfire”. I just hope he isn’t traumatized forever!

“Quick Shout out to BaKakee in Heaven…we miss you more than you know. I know you are laughing at this horrendous, morbid blunder! “

 Continue Reading Here

Uncategorized

The A+ Toddler

Everyone knows that toddlers can be difficult, unpredictable and even rotten at times. It’s just the way we are at this age. All the learning, discovery, and growing is sometimes just too much for our little brains and bodies to handle. As for me, I’m a go-getter toddler and I strive to be the best at everything I do. Quite frankly, I have nailed this toddler thing. So as a gift to all you B or C level toddlers aspiring to reach A+ status, let me fill you in on my secrets.

THE TODDLER CODE

1. Never, ever eat your dinner. If you liked it yesterday, don’t touch it today. If it is an emergency because you are starving, only eat 3 bites and then ask for a snack 10 minutes later. Parents love that.
2. Make sure you do EVERYTHING yourself. This includes getting dressed, brushing your teeth, putting on your shoes, feeding the animals, even pouring your own glass of milk. If you really want to be top-notch, move at a snail’s pace when your mommy is trying to leave the house.
3. Take out every single puzzle and game in the closet at the same time. Mix up all the pieces and then lose your shit when the wrong puzzle pieces don’t fit together.

Read the rest on Sammiches and Psych Meds! Really, do it. This is funny shit.

Uncategorized

Sounds a Mom NEVER Wants to Hear

There are so many things I love to hear as a mom. It’s amazing when you hear your child tell you that they love you, the contagious laughter of your toddler, or all your kids playing quietly together in the next room. But on the flip side, there are also those things that a mom NEVER wants to hear. These are the sounds that strike fear in every mother’s heart, send you into a state of panic, or bring you to the brink of insanity. Something bad usually happens when you hear these things.

The sound of your child whimpering and saying “my tummy hurts”. In a panic I say, “do you have to poop, are you hungry, are you gassy, are you nervous?” Anything but the stomach flu. Anything. Please.

The sound of your bedroom door opening at 4:00 a.m. Mommy, can I get up now? Noooooooooo! Go back to bed. It’s even worse if they are coughing, sniffling, or whimpering when they come in. Sick kids…ugh.

The sound of your child dragging a chair across your wood floor.
If they are not supposed to have it, that’s when you hear the chair. Usually just when you sit down for the first time that night. Then you hear the slide…turn around and find them standing on the counter grabbing for scissors or knives.

Being startled awake by the sound of your dog yakking and/or dry heaving. Nothing gets you out of bed faster than a puking dog at 2:00 a.m. If it is not the kids, it’s the damn dog.

“Mommmmmmmmmm! Where are you?” I hate this pretty much any time, but especially just as you close the door to go to the bathroom. They know. They have a radar to know when you are in another room and unavailable. They WILL find you.

A loud crash. RUN! Nothing gets your butt off the couch like the ear piercing crash followed by silence…or screaming. Both are terrifying.

The splashing sound of any liquid. Could be pee, water, milk, OJ, toilet water…Surprise! It is never a good thing.

Silence. Although at first you may think it is heavenly…Silence is NOT GOLDEN when you have young kids. If it is quiet, something is going down. Most likely something bad.

It’s ok…I’ll fix it.
What are you going to fix? Why does something need fixing? What did you break? I’m 99.9% sure you won’t fix it.

Ugh….the feelings. I’m annoyed, terrified, and stressed just writing this.
 

Uncategorized

To Sleepover or Not to Sleepover…That is the Question

Remember when you were a kid and how exciting it was to have a sleepover with your friends?  For me, it was in the late 80’s and early 90’s…In the late 80’s I got to experience the typical elementary school sleepover. Lots of screaming, laughing, crying, and saying up way too late. Then in the early 90’s I would spend my Friday nights staying over at my BFF’s house; sometimes just the two of us, but sometimes with a group of girls. We stayed up late, spent hours giggling non-stop, making prank calls to boys we liked, and playing Girl Talk or Sweet Valley High board games…and also sometimes crying.  We didn’t have a care in the world other than what music we wanted to listen to or which boy we should call.
Now that I am all grown up and am a parent of my own elementary age children, I have much different thoughts about sleepovers than I did back in the 90’s. The times have sure changed and things just don’t seem quite as simple anymore.
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Uncategorized

Christmas Came Early!

Remember when you were a kid and you woke up on Christmas morning and there it was. The best, most exciting present. The one thing that you were wishing and hoping for. Well, Christmas came a little early for me this year. Not because I got some big, fancy, expensive gift, but because my voice is finally being heard…and heard on the Huffington Post! Yesterday it happened. Yesterday was the day that after months of post submissions to the Huffington Post, they finally picked up, and published one of my pieces! This has been one of my goals since I started writing just four short months ago.  Needless to say, I am pretty excited to have accomplished this. Even if it never happens again, I can always say that on November 11, 2016 MY voice was heard on the Huffington Post.

I also wanted to share with all of MY followers some of the things that you have helped me to accomplish in just a few short months. These things were possible because of your support and dedication.

  • 17,000 Daily Dump page views since July, 2016
  • Publications featured on Scary Mommy, Babble, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Her View From Home, Hooray for Moms, BonBon Break, Red Tricycle, The Tribe Magazine, and now Huffington Post.
  • Regular writer for Suburban Misfit Mom and Modern Mom
  • 800 new Twitter Followers
  • Just shy of 150 new Facebook Daily Dump followers

I would call that SUCCESS! This is far more than I ever could have expected when I first started writing. I just want to keep going and see where this goes.

I also wanted to share the Huffington Post piece with all of my followers on my own site because it its your dedication and support made this happen. You have been the ones that have bee supporting me since the very beginning!  So… THANK YOU.

I hope you all enjoy this post and stay tuned for many more on Daily Dump and hopefully on The Huffington Post!

I’M SORRY…THE WORKING MOM’S MANTRA

I’m sorry. These are words that I know all too well and I say far too often in my life. Not because I have done so many things wrong that I need to apologize for, but because I can’t do everything. There is not enough time in the day to do it all for my kids, my employer, my husband, my friends, and myself. I’m sorry I was so slow to respond to your email; I’m sorry I can’t be there for mom’s breakfast day at school; I’m sorry I was late to pick you up; I’m sorry that I have to reschedule again…and so on and so on. I am a working mom, and this is all I can do.

Nobody understands the concept of the balancing act quite like a working mom. Balancing is an everyday struggle.

I’m Sorry…The Working Mom’s Mantra – Click HERE to read more!

Uncategorized

Better Late Than Never…Right?

I like to be on time. I try to be on time. Growing up, my dad drilled it into my head that “if you are not 15 minutes early, then you are late.” That is how he grew up, only my grandma’s rule was “if you are not 45 minutes early, you are late.” So thanks to my ultra-punctual relatives, it drives me completely crazy when people show up to things late. I understand that there are always emergencies and situations that are unavoidable and just can’t be helped, such as a car issues, traffic, weather, etc. Those are all very good and acceptable reasons to show up late to something. Well…my tune changed very quickly once I had kids. Now, I can’t seem to be on time for anything. Ever. Not work, parties, church, or even getting the kids to school sometimes! There are always emergencies that arise just as we are about to head out the door.
By emergencies I mean:
The kid’s socks aren’t “working” – I’m not even really sure what this actually means, but it is definitely a reoccurring problem at our house, usually two seconds before we are about to leave. Those darn socks just stop working.
Someone has to poop (Or be changed). This is science. It WILL happen every time. I don’t quite understand what it is about the thought of leaving the house that makes them want to poop. But no matter what, it is a pooping emergency as soon as I say “get your shoes on”.
Dehydration– Just like clockwork, the very instant we need to get into the car to go somewhere, all three children are suddenly dying of thirst. Most of the time they like to wait until we are all buckled into the car and backing out of the driveway. That’s when the unquenchable thirst takes over.
Starvation – Much like dehydration, starvation sets in right when it is “go time”. Everybody is suddenly starving and needs to eat immediately. This is why my car looks the way it does. Crumbs and rotting food everywhere. If they were so hungry, you would think they would be more careful to get every last morsel into their mouths instead of all over the floor.
The toys – We can’t leave the house without finding the perfect stuffed animal or toy we haven’t played with in two years. Remember that stuffed dragon you won at the State Fair three years ago? We need that. Now…before we leave.

Family, friends, teachers, and co-workers I apologize. I am sorry that I probably won’t be on time for anything ever again. Or maybe at least not for quite a while. 
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Uncategorized

Disgusting Things That Even Your Kids Do

It’s a well-known fact that kids are absolutely disgusting. Well actually, we are all kind of disgusting, but as adults, we know what is acceptable and sanitary and what is not. We understand the consequences of our actions (most of the time) and know not to touch and eat certain things. You know that kid you saw at Target eating his own boogers? Or the kid that was digging for gold in his butt as you walked by? Yeah. Your kid probably does that too, no matter how much you hope it isn’t true.
They will do things with boogers. They will eat them as a salty little snack, wipe them on a wall, and even use their shirt for a tissue. They may even make a little collection under a table or couch cushion. If they don’t wipe snot on their shirt, they will lick the snot as it runs down their upper lip.
They will find old food from the couch and/or car floor and eat it. You’ll catch them snacking on something and you realize it is food that has been in the car for months. Old French fries, crackers, candy, and even old suckers covered in dirt and hair. Yummy.
They will wear the same underwear and socks for multiple day. Somehow, to them, it is easier to just not change them. Even after a shower, they just put the old smelly ones back on. I don’t get it.
They will mix weird combos of food. Why not try ketchup on green beans? Or crackers with cottage cheese? Or my favorite, mustard on cooked carrots. Yet if any of their food on their plate touches, then it’s thrown across the room. 
They will scratch their butt…no matter where they are. I don’t like to think about why their butt always itches. Perhaps there should be more extensive wiping lessons.
They will backwash in your drink. I don’t know about you, but it is disgusting drinking water with regurgitated goldfish crumbs floating around. Honestly, I’d almost rather share a bottle of water with a complete stranger than my own toddler. Gag…
They will touch everything in sight in a public bathroom. Kids don’t seem to mind touching the stall walls, counters, sinks, floors, and even toilets.
They will pick up used band Aids. Right off the ground, in the pool, out of the garbage…where ever. It’s like a treasure when they find them. All I can think about is what bodily fluid is now on their hands.
They will put things in their pants. I don’t understand the appeal of this. I’ve seen Barbie dolls and stuffed animals shoved into underwear. My youngest put beads in her diaper and went to school. They didn’t discover them until they changed her. Why?
As perfect and amazing as you think your children are, I guarantee that they have done, or will do some of these disgusting things. It’s best to just not think about it. It’s a good thing they are cute or we might not keep them!

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