So, maybe the title is a bit dramatic….Maybe not. This is the last week of my “mid-thirties”. That’s right folks. As of next Tuesday, I will be in my “late thirties.” Now if that doesn’t make me want to barf all over myself, I don’t know what will. How did this happen? Although I still have a couple years to go, the big 40 is rapidly approaching. This is a scary thought for many reasons. First and foremost, yes, it is middle-aged, but that is the year you pass the actual threshold and realize most likely, you are more than half way to dead. Whoa. Knowing you’ve got less time left on earth than you’ve already had might be, and is for me, completely terrifying.
40-year-olds are supposed to be adults. Like real, self-sufficient, thriving adults. They have their shit together. They have good careers, big houses, and are just about to upgrade and trade in that Ford Taurus for an Infinity SUV…Right? At least, this is what I always thought. But me, not even close. My ducks…not in a row. I don’t even really know where my ducks are. Now the pressure is on to figure all this out in the next two years. Shouldn’t your shit be figured out by age 40? It seems like that is a rule.
You see, as I approach the year mark that begins my road downhill to death, I’ve been thinking. As I age (gracefully of course), I am finding so many things that I just simply don’t get. Go ahead, call me old (cause I am), call me dumb, but most of this stuff makes absolutely no sense to me.
Here is a list of “shit I don’t get” at the ripe old age of 38… Gulp.
New Music – It either doesn’t sound like music, or it sounds like music that I’ve already heard back in the “Good Old Days”. And the lyrics…so inappropriate and so dumb. What is wrong with these young kids? Don’t they understand the value of good songwriting?
Anything my kids are interested in – From Pokemon to fidget spinners; Minecraft to Shopkins; Hatchimals to bottle flipping…I haven’t the faintest idea what they are rambling on and on about and what the appeal is. Quite frankly, I don’t have time to figure it out either…by the time I do, they will be on to the next weird thing.
Hair – That’s right. I don’t get hair. The stuff you want is either thinning or losing its color, but unwanted hair…that is sprouting in places you didn’t know it could sprout. Read my letter to my chin hair HERE.
Prom-posals – What? That’s all I can say. You’re not getting married. You are going to ONE dance. With a guy, who in five years from now, you won’t even talk to. What is the big deal? Back in my day we would just pass a note.
Staying up past 10 p.m.- Seriously. My bedtime has been getting increasingly earlier as the years have gone on and for the most part, I like it that way. I have a bedtime which prevents me from enjoying things that might happen after bedtime – like fun. It’s just not worth it these days. Nothing good happens after 10:00 P.M. when you have three kids.
You Tubers – How is this a profession? It confuses me. It seems to me this is a place that messed up people can play out their weird ass fantasies on camera for the whole world to see. But the thing that completely blows my mind is people watch it. Now, it is my son’s dream to be a fishing you-tuber…He has goals.
The moral of my story is this. 38-year-olds are not only dumber than shit (and getting dumber as the years roll on), we are also just about halfway to dead…
This my friends, is a wonderful time to be alive. I’ll leave you with this little depressing thought…
“The most important thing that nobody tells you about your 40s is this: You are who you are, and probably, who you’re going to be.”
Cheers to 38…40, I’m coming.