In general, I am an honest person. I try to tell the truth, be open with my thoughts and feelings, and do the right thing. That said, if I’m being honest, I’m not above throwing out a quick, creative white lie (or a whopper, if necessary) to protect my kids, to avoid a mega meltdown, or just simply to have a second of peace and quiet for myself. I have discovered that with kids, sometimes this is necessary for survival.

Whether I’ve come up with some crazy story for why the Tooth Fairy didn’t show or a clever alternative to why the darn elf on the shelf forgot to move, if it’s for the good of your child, what’s the harm? I find myself coming up with some ridiculous things when trying to persuade my kids to do something, go somewhere, or just behave. Most of these things are crazy and not even a remote possibility. I, Barrie Bismark, have turned into a mom of empty threats. Here are a few examples of my tall tales.

Lie: If you don’t get your shoes on, I am leaving without you.
Truth: No, no I won’t. Where am I going to go? I mean, I’m pretty sure I would get arrested and go to jail if I actually left you.

Lie: Stop it now or I am going to turn this car around.
Truth: I won’t do it. I want to make it to work or the doctor on time. Plus, this is probably what the kids really want…for me to turn around and go home.

Lie: I’m counting to three. You better stop it.
Truth: I may be counting, but even I don’t know what happens when I get to three. Really, I have no idea. Maybe I’ll take something away, maybe I’ll yell louder. Who knows. The unknown is part of the ploy.

Lie: Pick up your toys or I am going to throw them away.
Truth: Actually, I won’t. That is a lot of work and I have spent a hell of a lot of money on them. I won’t really do that, even though the temptation is there.

Lie: See that guy working over there? He is going to kick us out of this restaurant. Now behave!
Truth: I have no idea who that guy is. He probably doesn’t even work there.

Lie: It’s ham…white ham.
Truth: It could be chicken, turkey, or really any other meat that remotely resembles ham.

Lie: Just wait until your dad gets home. You’re going to be in big trouble.
Truth: Nothing will probably happen. I’ll probably forget about it in the midst of the crazy, hectic dinner hour.

Lie: You better stop or I am going to come over there.
Truth: I don’t really want to get up. In fact, I probably won’t. Just stop trying to kill your sister.

Lie: The “Monkey Movie” is broken. We can’t get it anymore.
Truth: It is not broken. I am just going to explode if I have to watch it even one more time. Pick something else…anything else!

Lying really isn’t my thing. However, I do seem to do it, probably more than I should. What empty threats have you given your kids?

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