Welcome to the shit show!

I'm Barrie...I’m sarcastic, vocal, stubborn, strong willed, and kind of a pain in the ass. Welcome to my funny little parenting blog about the trials of life, kids, work, and pure exhaustion. Follow me as I fumble my way through this parenting thing. I promise, there will be lots of laughs, probably some tears, and most definitely monumental parenting blunders. Being a mom is hard, stressful, and crazy at times. Grab a drink and enjoy the shit show!

 

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Humor, kids

8 Things That Happen When You Have Three Kids

I confess. I might be in over my head. Anyone with kids has their hands full, but for me, having three kids is a bit more difficult than I had anticipated. I love each of my kids dearly, but the tree of them together can be more than I can handle at times. They push me damn near the point of no return just about every single day.

There is never a point in time when one of them doesn’t need something. Seriously, it would be easier to just stand in the kitchen and fulfil food and drink requests all night long rather than sit down for five minutes only to be summoned up again for the next request. After a long day, it is completely exhausting.

Parents of any number of children probably all feel the same way. It’s a lot of work. However, for me, when I had my third little bundle of joy, that is when shit hit the fan. I don’t know that is was her specifically, but rather just havening a third human to tend to that was so difficult. That said, the Hulk is not necessarily the easiest child. She is very stubborn, independent, opinionated, and busy. Hmmmmmm… maybe she takes after her mama!

I had heard that going from one kid to two kids was a hard transition. And it was, don’t get me wrong. I just wasn’t prepared for what going from two to three would be like. In my mind, it wasn’t going to be that different. Our house was already chaotic, messy, loud, and someone was always sick. What was one more kid thrown in the mix? Well, come to find out one more kid is A LOT.

With three kids, we are now not only outnumbered, but also majorly stressed out. Here are some things that changed when we had that third baby.

The need for a big family car. With the need for one more car seat, having three car seats/boosters all in a row just wasn’t going to work. Literally, they didn’t fit. Now only a minivan or SUV with a third row will do. It’s funny because even that isn’t big enough when packing up to go out of town. That thing is jam packed with all the bags, equipment, people and pets! Maybe a bus is a better option.

Someone is Always Crying. Could be any of the three kids…or sometimes even mom! Between the fighting, injuries, and pure frustration, tears are guaranteed multiple times a day.

Family pictures. It’s damn near impossible to get everyone to look in the right direction for a picture. Throw five people together for a quick snap shot, and it is inevitable that at least three of them will look angry, confused, annoyed, sad, or distracted…and mom always ends up looking mad. It is science. I personally don’t even think it is possible.

There is never a time when everyone has everything they need. Never. Ever…or at least I have yet to experience it. Can you get me milk, pants, socks, food, a show, more food, more milk, food again….it never ends. Then throw a couple pets into the mix. Hence the never sitting down.

Enormous, super-sized Costco packs of food and/or toilet paper last about a week. 5 people (three of them growing kids) go through an absurd amount of food and supplies. String cheese lasts 10 minutes. Goldfish…did I even buy them? They are gone 5 minutes after they are unpacked. Didn’t I just buy toilet paper? I guess when unrolling the roll is a game you tend to use more.

Privacy. It is non-existent. This might just be the case with kids in general, but since I have had three of them, someone is always there watching me. Even the cat and dog join in. Come on Gang, Mom has to Pee! There is no peeing alone, showering alone, even no sleeping alone.

Transportation Logistics. Only two driving adults and two cars; Three kids that need to get places. Catch my drift? It is physically impossible to be in three places at one time. I’ve tried.

Chaos is an everyday reality. It’s always loud. It’s always messy. It’s always hectic. Everyday. But I guess that is what I signed up for!

Even though these things stress me out sometimes, I love having my family of five (plus 2 pets). In truth, quiet would be glorious…but these days are short. I’m trying to enjoy them. One thing is for sure…NO MORE KIDS!

My Random Musings
My Petit Canard
Cuddle Fairy
Run Jump Scrap!
Admissions Of A Working Mother
Diary of an imperfect mum
Life Love and Dirty Dishes
JENerally Informed

 

Humor

A Letter From Your Threenager

Dearest mom,

I am writing this letter because I’d like to fill you in on a few things. A few very important things that you definitely need to know. You are always wondering why I get angry or lose it over the littlest things. You are always asking me the questions like “what’s wrong?” or “what do you need?” or “why are you crying?” In your mind I am an angry little dictator…always demanding something. Maybe I kind of am. The truth is, mom, you just don’t really understand me. I feel that my demands are very clear, but you somehow seem to mess it up every single time.

You just don’t get shit right. Simple as that. How hard is it to know when I want the pink cup or that I HATE those pants…or wearing pants at all? Sometimes, you even give me snacks that I hate. Never mind that I just asked for it. Come on, mom. Figure. This. Out.

Let me give you a few examples of your ineptitude.

  • You never understand my words. Literally. Are you stupid?
  • I don’t want your help. With anything. Ever. I can do it myself…until I do want your help. Then, drop what you are doing and help me immediately. Hurry! Do you want me to lose it again?
  • You are always rushing me. Just stop. If it takes me until hell freezes over to put on one slip-on shoe, then so be it. It needs to be just right…so stop rushing.
  • Pants are the devil. Stop making me wear them. I prefer to be pants-less at all times.
  • Sometimes I want a hug and sometimes I don’t. It’s up to you to know when.
  • Dinner? I don’t want that shit. I’d rather manhandle all the food on your plate or just eat the stashed candy I keep under my bed.
  • Stop trying to pick out my clothes. Seasons don’t matter. If I want to wear a tank top backwards and shorts when it is 10 below zero, then so be it. I’m a fashionista. You’ll see.
  • Please just don’t say no. To anything. I am three now. I can make my own decisions. If I want to do art while we are eating dinner, just let me. If I want to take a three-hour bath, let me do that too. If I want to play in the sandbox naked, that’s my choice. No more of this “no” shit. Kapeesh?
  • If I get frustrated about anything, it is going to get thrown directly at you. Probably at your head. Sharpen up your reflexes.
  • Figure out my moods…there are really only two: Raging mad or adorably lovey.

So, mom, next time you see me flop around on the floor, screaming hysterically, and completely losing my shit, you need to know it is because of you. Instead of trying to get me to stop, just wait until I am done, applaud my mad tantruming skills, and then give me a hug…and maybe some candy. Unless less I don’t want you to. Figure it out.

Love,

Your Threenager

My Random Musings
JENerally Informed

 

Humor, Parenting

Hazmat Mom

Do you mind being puked on, spit on, or peed on? Do you enjoy spending your days wiping noses, sticky fingers, and poopy butts? If you answered yes to any of these questions, being a mom might be the job for you. 

All the mommies out there will tell you… you encounter some pretty repulsive things while tackling this parenting
thing, and most of them on a daily basis. Folks, raising kids is disgusting. Kids themselves are disgusting and they definitely have some questionable hygiene practices. Most adults (I said MOST) know how to deal with the body’s disgusting stuff in sanitary ways. Kids on the other hand, they are pretty helpless and don’t grasp the monumental grossness of what they are doing. That leaves mom to clean up the mess and try to teach them how not to be disgusting.

Motherhood is a serious business. I’ve heard that being a mom is the hardest and most important job of all…and after being a mom myself for the last 8 years, I would have to agree. Not only is raising a child into a respectable and kind human being difficult, at times, it is also pretty gross. As a mom, I’ve encountered feces, vomit, boogers, and spit more times than I can even count. I’ve seen things you could have never imagined pre-kids…and no matter how hard I try, I can’t unsee them. If I’m being honest, a hazmat suit would come in pretty handy sometimes.

Here are just a few of the hazardous jobs moms do:

Director of Regurgitation: How many times have you been puked on or spit up on? How much vomit have you cleaned up? Moms are regurgitation specialists, whether they like it or not. Not only will you clean up vomit and spit up, but there will also be oodles of spit out and chewed food, too.

Snot Stream Specialist: Kids always seem have a stream of green snot running down their upper lip. It’s just a fact of life with kids. It is mom’s job to eliminate this snot stream before it becomes a little warm snack for them. Just a heads up…watch out for the sneeze. Really. Watch out.

Fecal Matter Investigator: You will examine more poo that you ever thought. You will genuinely care about the color, consistency, frequency, and even smell of the poop and will have detailed conversations about it. Yes, you will talk about poop…with doctors, spouses, your kids, and even friends. AND…you will eventually touch it. Might be when cleaning out a massive blow out that reaches their hair, or perhaps you are fishing out floaters out of the bathtub, but poop will be in your hands.

Odor reduction Specialist: Kids smell. End of story. Mom gets to find the sources of all the smelly surprises and eliminate them before they become too pungent. Could be poop, could be sweat, could be rancid breath…use your imagination. Not only do we get to smell the children themselves, but then there is the rotten food, rancid milk found in a sippy cup in the car, or that small piece of chicken nugget found under the couch cushion.

Motherhood is a lot of things—some beautiful, some awful, and some really, really gross. We do this all without vacations, sick days, or raises. We are soldiers. We get this shit done. Literally.

Humor, Parenting

Dear Kids…Meet Dad

Dear kids,

I would like to formally introduce you to someone very special. He might look vaguely familiar to you and you have probably seen him around the house. He lives right here with us, and eats dinner with us each night. You know, the guy you rough house with, play outside with, and talk Pokemon stats with…He is your dad. I wanted to point him out to you, because I fear that you may not realize that he is here and can help you out with things, too. Whenever you want or need something, he must become invisible and you can’t see him. It’s the only explanation. I wasn’t aware of his superhuman camouflage power until we had kids. Now, I beg him to teach me his impressive incognito ways.

Here is the thing, kids. Your dad is a smart guy. His legs are not broken, and he is perfectly capable of doing all sorts of things. He can get you milk, he can answer hard math questions, he can get you a snack, and he can even help you locate your missing hats and mittens (ok…maybe that one is a bit of a stretch). I have also heard rumors that he is super good at helping put on pants and socks. I know I’m your mom and you clearly think I am amazing, but I am really not the only one in this house capable of doing most of the things that you are asking. I am so tired of saying, “Ask your father! He’s right there!” How can you not see him?

To prove my point, let me give you a little example of what I am talking about. Remember that time when I was upstairs in the shower and you decided you wanted a granola bar but didn’t know where they were? Remember when you walked past your dad in the kitchen, through the living room, all the way up the long flight of stairs, through the hall, through my bedroom, and finally into my bathroom to ask me to find them for you? Yeah. It would have been way easier to just ask your dad. He was right there! Could have saved a lot of time.

So, next time you are hungry, thirsty, hot, cold, hurt, sick, or in need of anything at all, let’s try something new…ASK YOUR DAD!

Love,

Mom

Diary of an imperfect mum
Admissions Of A Working Mother
Humor, kids, Parenting

50 Reasons My Kids Are Fighting

My children love each other most of the time…until they don’t. Then they hate each other. Once we hit that moment, there is no turning back. Anything the other person does aggravates the situation. Including breathing, smiling, moving, looking…well really just about everything. I know fighting with your siblings is normal…it has been going on since the beginning of time. But it’s completely exhausting playing referee constantly. I don’t think we can go two minutes without someone yelling, crying, screaming, and tattling. “Mom, she is looking at me” or “He said he doesn’t like me”. The fights are completely pointless most of the time. It blows my mind to think that half the time they play so great together, then at the drop of a hat, they want to kill each other over some stupid McDonald’s toy they found under the couch that no one has seen in two years. No joke…my kids have fought over garbage. Literally garbage.Conflict is a normal part of any relationship. But come on, kids, some of this stuff is just dumb. These are the 50 most ridiculous agreements my kids have. (Yes, 50)

  1. He is looking at her.
  2. He likes the cat more…no she likes the cat more.
  3. It’s her turn to sit by mom.
  4. She almost touched him.
  5. He wanted the blue cup. She got it last time.
  6. She smiled at him.
  7. He let the dog out yesterday when we got home. He always does it.
  8. Who started “it”.
  9. She was singing.
  10. She took the last granola bar.
  11. He wanted to shower first.
  12. Who gets anything first.
  13. Who gets anything last.
  14. He put my Barbie in his pants.
  15. Which toothpaste tastes better.
  16. Who is taller.
  17. Who won anything. Ever.
  18. She ruins his life.
  19. Who can run faster.
  20. Who has the most books.
  21. He took the last cookie.
  22. He got his dinner plate last again.
  23. She got to sit by mom.
  24. She touched my toothbrush.
  25. He’s in my room.
  26. Who gets mom’s phone first in the waiting room.
  27. Who gets to sit on what side of the bathtub.
  28. It’s mine…no matter what “it” is.
  29. What show to watch.
  30. She wanted to be first.
  31. She wanted to push the elevator button.
  32. He peed on the seat.
  33. You always open his door first.
  34. His blanket is not as warm as her blanket.
  35. Her feet smell too bad.
  36. The girls are copying him.
  37. She “stole” his book.
  38. Who gets the corner seat on the couch.
  39. She gets more hugs than him.
  40. Who gets the first piggy back ride upstairs to bed.
  41. Why does she always have more money?
  42. He “won” in the game. It’s not fair.
  43. She laughed when he tripped.
  44. He tripped her back because she laughed.
  45. Who gets to sit by the cat.
  46. Who is better friends with the neighbor?
  47. Who has bigger feet?
  48. Who gets to keep that special piece of garbage (literally).
  49. Who likes who more?
  50. Who started “it”?

Geez! This is only 50. I am sure I could list hundreds more! They come up with a new reason to fight multiple times a day. Now, I totally understand how my brother and I would drive my mom crazy. Mom, I’m sorry.

It is clear that my children have a love/hate relationship. I think that is probably the norm. I guess we can only cherish the good times when they are best buds and hope they don’t end up killing each other.

What ridiculous things do your kids fight about?

Cuddle Fairy
My Random Musings
“Mrs.AOK,
Humor

Top 10 Viewed Posts of 2016

Well folks, 2016 has come to a close. 2017 is a fresh start for everyone. I don’t know about you, but I am looking forward to new beginnings.  
 
For me, 2016 has been a hell of a year (so much so there is an entire post devoted to it CLICK HERE if you missed it). It has been filled with transition, anger, change, and even death. However, there was something very good that came out of it. I started writing. This is something that I had no idea I could even do and didn’t even know I liked, for that matter. I have started my blog, Daily Dump, and it has done quite well, if I do say so myself! I’ve worked really, really hard and I think it is starting to pay off.  I can’t wait to see what the future brings!
 
So, with that said, I thought I would share my top 10 viewed posts from 2016. There is some really funny stuff here. Please stop by and check them out if you missed them, or relive the massive parenting blunders…and Bismark antics and laugh until you cry!
 10.  American Girl – We entered the world of American Girl dolls this past Christmas. Boy is this a expensive little land!

9.  To Sleepover or Not to Sleepover – What are your thoughts about kids having sleep over? Are they safe?

8.  Ultimate 2016 Christmas Gift Guide – Want some fun and easy gift ideas that kids will love? Check them out here! These are not your typical gifts. Things like tupperware, rocks…find out more!
7.  Disgusting Things That Even Your Kids Do – It’s a well-known fact that kids are disgusting. Check out some of the disgusting things that even your kids will probably do. It’s true. Your precious kids are not immune to the disgusting habits.
6.  Better Late Than Never, Right? – Find out all the reasons that I am late for just about everything. I think a lot of parents can relate. Pretty much never on time…for anything.
5.  How Mommy Stole Christmas – This is a wonderful little tale of how mommy lost her shit and ruined Christmas. If you missed it, check it out now! You don’t want to miss this.
4.  American Horror Story…My Life with A Toddler – This is one of my favorite posts. It compares my life with my toddler to a horror movie. Eerily similar.
3.  Dear Random Chin Hair – Ever get that one rogue chin hair? The one that seems to grow two inches over night? Yeah…me too.
2.  Reindeer Games…The Dreaded Office Christmas Party – Am I the only one that hates office Christmas parties? I think not based on the views of this post.

And the #1 most viewed post of 2016 is…

1.  How Having a Toddler is Like Having the Worst Boss Ever – Hands down, my favorite post. Looks like everyone else likes it too! Check it out if you missed it. It’s a good one.
Thanks for all your support and I look forward to seeing what 2017 brings! If you haven’t already done so, please subscribe to automatically get updates right in your mailbox! Then you’ll never miss this shit show!
Humor

2016 – Worst Year Yet

Well, it’s the end of another year. It seems customary that all bloggers have to do some sort of year-end blog post, right? Well, here is mine. It is more of a self pity rant, but it’s all I got. Here is my open letter to the year 2016.

Dear 2016,

As you know, the end of another year is rapidly approaching. Halleluiah! Your year, 2016, completely sucked. I’m done pleading with you. I’m done trying to talk to you. We are over and you can kiss my ass.

2016, you have been less than kind to the world with all your murders, wars, diseases, riots, natural disasters, deaths, and of course the election. Each day we turn on the news to find something even more terrible happened. Why? Why are you so terrible? Aside from the major world issues, you have been a real bitch to my family as well. I know in comparison to what is happening all over the world, my problems are small. But still, what do you have against the Bismarks? We haven’t done a damn thing to you. Just 10 short months ago, I had a lively mother-in-law, a different job, different friends, and different lifestyle. I know change is constant and people say that change is good, but I am not a fan.

So, for a moment of self-pity, let’s break it down:

First, you took my husband’s mother and my children’s grandmother. She had a long 2-year battle with ovarian cancer, and the cancer won. She fought hard and struggled for two years. It is still surreal that she is gone. Birthdays and holidays are not the same. Although life has moved on, as it always does, things are just eerily quiet and we miss her so much. The screaming kids are still there, but it is not the same without grandma riling them all up. Now all we have left are the memories…and the regrets.

Then, you took my job. A job I busted my ass for, for a decade. You allowed a few arrogant people take my career into their hands and make decisions that would impact me for the rest of my life. These decisions were made solely on hearsay, jealousy, need for control, and the opinions of others and not on fact or merit. I doubt they even realize how their actions deeply affected not just me, but my finances, relationships, my children, my self-esteem, and my career.

As if those things aren’t enough for one year, then you decided to have the storm. Now this could have been much worse, I know that. No one was injured and our house is still intact, but this storm took down two huge pine trees in our backyard along with the back of our fence, swing set, and kid’s playhouse (in addition to the major powerlines that have caused power outages for months). We really enjoyed spending money we didn’t have on tree removal and repairs. So, thank you for that. Thank goodness we have amazing family and friends that helped us get it all taken care of and fixed pretty quickly.
Then, let’s talk about the car accidents. Let’s count them together. Not one, not two, but THREE car accidents in just three months. Now this, this is really something special. No one was injured in any of them, so that was a blessing for sure. Two cars were totaled during these accidents. Now our car insurance rates are skyrocketing and we got to enjoy the glorious car-buying experiences. I mean…really?

2016, you broke me, you really did.  I am still cleaning up the pieces of all you broke. 2017 has a good shot at being a better year; you did set the bar, low, after all. 2017, do better. Please. 2017, you are going to be our year.

Sincerely,
The Bismarks

Humor, Parenting

Stupid Things I Said Before I Had Kids

I remember it like it was yesterday. How I thought I knew everything about kids before I actually had kids. Remember when you used to think that you would be a better parent than all those yahoos you saw at restaurants or stores with the screaming kids? Surely you would do a far better job as a parent than them. They must all be total idiots.
The good old, pre-kid days…the days when you didn’t have to worry about anyone but yourself. The days when you lived in the whimsical world where you judged everyone else on something you knew absolutely nothing about. You just sat there on your high horse and made faces and comments and vowed to yourself that you would NEVER be that mom, or NEVER let your kids act that way. In your mind, things would be different for you, for your kids. Those perfect little specimens of humanity would never act like that. Your precious peanuts would never throw fits in public or be disrespectful. Your kids…well, they would be amazing, in every way.
While I do think my children are amazing, they are definitely not the perfect angels I once hoped they would be. Those screaming, dirty, angry little freaks whose behavior I once cringed at are now my own little rug rats. They misbehave, throw fits, cry, and sometimes even talk back. I confess. I am not the perfect mother with the perfectly behaved children I once thought I would be.
I was a total idiot when I thought things would be different for me. It is the same for all moms…kids are hard. Here are some of the dumb ass things I thought and said before I had my own children.
When we have kids, they can eat what I make or go hungry! – As I make 4 different meals Every. Single. Night.
 
My kids will never throw fits like that – What was I thinking? Now, I enjoy watching as they thrash about on the floor in the middle of Target. Judge away non-parents. Judge away.
My kid will never be the mean “kid” – That’s a load of crap. All kids are mean and will behave like brats sometimes. It’s inevitable.
Sleep when the baby sleeps – Great idea! The chores will do themselves and the other kids, they don’t need food or attention. I’m going to nap.
 
Crappy food will not be allowed – Jelly beans for dinner…. I guess. Only if you eat two bites of chicken first. That’s how we roll. Hey, they’ll have a vitamin too.
My house will always be neat and tidy – Fast forward a few years. Now, it looks like it barfed all over itself. Nothing is where it should be. I don’t even have enough places for all the crap we own.
 
I will never be rude and show up late – Now…I will never be on time. Ever. To anything…Ever again. Sigh…
Seriously, I have no idea what kind of delusional, unicorn land I was living in before I had children, but becoming a parent has certainly changed the way I view a lot of things. There is nothing quite like raising children that challenges your patience, attitude, and character. So, all you young, non-parents at the grocery store judging me and my kids…just you wait. There will come a day when it is your kid flopping around on the floor at Target screaming for candy or running around buck naked at Grandma’s birthday party. Just you wait.
Life Love and Dirty Dishes
My Petit Canard
Working Mom

Maxed Out Working Mom

All moms work hard, there is no question about that. Whether it is full-time, part-time, at home, or outside the home, it is all overwhelmingly exhausting at times. I happen to work outside the home. I spend most of my daytime hours counting down the minutes until I can leave and head home to my next job. At work, my brain is a never ending “to do” list of all the things I need to do at home. At home, it’s a laundry list of everything I should be doing at work. As the stress mounts, the guilt mounts. I’m either feeling guilty I am at home with my kids when I should be at work, or I feel guilty when I am at work and not with my kids. I can’t win. If you are a working mom you might relate to some of these.

You know you’re a working mom if…
  • Your kids leave the house almost every day with either mismatched clothes or messy hair…sometimes both. You just don’t have time to argue.
  • Most of the time, your laundry doesn’t make it out of the clothes basket into the dresser drawers or closet.
  • Your calendar is filled with reminders for your kids doctor appointments, conferences, and sports schedules in addition to your conference calls, team meetings, and webinars.
  • You have never been to “breakfast with mom” day at school.
  • You can find diapers, underwear, Barbies, Legos, and wipes in your laptop bag.
  • You go to work nearly every day with spit, snot, or food crusted to your clothes.
  • You cry on your commute into work in the morning because you just pried your child off your leg and left them screaming at the window with their teacher watching you drive away.
  • Your employer thinks you are out interviewing for a new job…You are not. You are just out with sick kids that often.
  • Your teachers see your kids’ “
    firsts” before you do (first steps, first words, etc).
  • You never drive when you go out to lunch with co-workers. No way you are letting them see the rotten food and garbage all over the kid-mobile!
  • You feel guilty for leaving work before a project was done because you had get a kid to gymnastics…but you would feel even more guilty if you missed gymnastics.
  • You have shown up to work with a princess or Ninja Turtle Band-Aid on your finger.
  • You get home from work just in time to feed the kids, do homework, baths, and put them to bed each day.
  • On the bright side…Work is the only place you can go to the bathroom alone with the door closed or finish a cup
    of coffee while it is still hot!

To all my maxed out and exhausted fellow working moms out there…hang in there.

Cheers to stress, exhaustion, and doing our best to survive! I’ll take another glass of wine, please…

3 Little Buttons
Run Jump Scrap!
Humor

Worst Christmas Gifts EVER

The holidays are a time for coming together, celebrating, eating, and enjoying the company of your friends and family. What could be better than that? Oh, right…the presents. When it comes to Christmas gifts, it’s the thought that counts, everyone knows that, right?
As a parent, there are certain things I don’t want my kids to have. I think every parent has their own list of things they DON’T want you to get for their kids. You know, the usual things like drum sets, Playdoh, slime, electric guitars with amps, items covered in lead-based paint, games with trachea-sized pieces, and so on. While the actual nightmare gift varies from parent to parent, it seems inevitable that your kid will get a toy that you don’t approve of over the course of their childhood.
Like most parents, I strive to create and maintain a safe lifestyle for my children…and keep myself sane. There are certain things that I just don’t want my kids to have. Here are some things you should NEVER give to kids, especially mine. Under no circumstances.
  • A pet cobra…as in the snakes. They are poisonous and deadly.
  • The entire series of the TV Show Jessie. The theme song alone might kill me. Well really, any of the Disney Channel shows in their entirety.
  • Nail guns. They are not for kids.
  • Hamsters, gerbils, or rodents of any kind. No thank you.
  • Bleach. Kids and bleach just don’t mix.
  • Fun Dip. Dipping sugar sticks in pure sugar is never a good idea. They already have sugar highs this time of year. I beg you…don’t do it!
  • Plastic Bags and duct tape. Suffocation is real. It’s not a game.
  • A box of those little “do not eat” packets you find in shoes. I don’t know what happens if you actually eat them, but I don’t want to find out.
  • Anything with PlayDoh, slime, or putty. That shit always ends up all over the house or stuck in hair.
  • A machete. They can cut people…and their siblings.
  • Shards of broken glass. These can cut kids and parents.
Please, you want to make sure your gifts elicit squeals of delight, not screams of pain and terror…from the kids or from me!
Merry Christmas!

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