Welcome to the shit show!

I'm Barrie...I’m sarcastic, vocal, stubborn, strong willed, and kind of a pain in the ass. Welcome to my funny little parenting blog about the trials of life, kids, work, and pure exhaustion. Follow me as I fumble my way through this parenting thing. I promise, there will be lots of laughs, probably some tears, and most definitely monumental parenting blunders. Being a mom is hard, stressful, and crazy at times. Grab a drink and enjoy the shit show!

 

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Humor, kids, Parenting

Things That Drive Moms Nuts

Have you ever met a mom that doesn’t get irritated by some little thing their kid does? I am pretty sure that they don’t exist. Kids do lots of things that just plain old infuriate most moms. They learn very early on how to push buttons…and they will test you over and over again, probably until they are grown.

I would wager that all moms probably have a couple things that their kids do that can push them right over the edge into crazy land. Maybe it’s a sound they make, a word they say over and over, or something that they do that drives you crazy. For me, well, there are a lot of things that just drive me nuts.

I have decided to put together a lovely little list of the things that my kids do that instantly make my blood boil. Warning: This post may raise your blood pressure and elicit feelings of rage and frustration.  It is probably in your best interest to read this with a big, full, glass of wine.

  • The constant background noise of children bickering. Kids are constantly fighting about anything and everything (50 reasons my kids are fighting). “It’s my turn.” “He’s looking at me.” “No, I was here first.” It’s like an annoying buzz in your ear that you can’t get away from.
  • Putting empty food boxes back in the pantry. Why can’t you just throw it away? If you eat it all, throw it away. Seems simple. Why even waste the time putting it back into the pantry? It just doesn’t make sense.
  • Loading toy purses and bags full of puzzle pieces, cards, and game pieces. They haul their crap from one room to another and then unload it where it will be sure to get kicked under the couch or shoved in dark corner, possibly to never be seen again. I don’t think we even own one complete puzzle or game.
  • Going to the bathroom with an audience. The second I enter the bathroom, it becomes party central before I can close the door. I am glad you love me so much you want to watch me poop.
  • For the love of God…put the damn covers back on the markers! Why do you insist on taking them all off and throwing them on the floor? Every single time. Seriously, just kill me.
  • “Mom, Look!” Then they proceed to shove whatever it is directly into your cornea.
  • Taking forever to get out of the car. Especially when they decide to exit the vehicle through the door that is furthest away from where they are sitting. Most of the time they will need to jump over human beings to accomplish this.  There is nothing more frustrating than standing outside in the below zero temperatures of Minnesota waiting for a kid to get out of the car.
  • Bite off the erasers to all the pencils. Why? What is the purpose of this? They don’t eat them, so it is not like they enjoy the taste. It’s a treasure hunt trying to find just one to do homework with…except all you get at the end is an eraserless pencil.

Is your blood boiling, too? Aghhhhhh! Drink up, my friend.

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Life Grinch

The Grinch. I’m sure you’ve heard of him…he is the green, furry A-hole that stole Christmas. Most often, people think about him at Christmas time when the movie is on TV just about every hour. But I say, why save your grinching just for Christmas time? Grinching is a year-round thing for me and I have branded myself as a “Life Grinch”. The thing is, people just really annoy the shit out of me. Always have, and probably always will. It’s not that I am perfect and no one can compare to me. In fact, I am so far from perfect, that it is not even funny and I am sure that people are just as annoyed with me as I am with them. But me, I am just easily annoyed and have no patience for stupidity…or just patience in general.

My entire life, people have told me I am too grumpy, too emotional, and too easily annoyed. “Relax” they say. “Chill out” Barrie. But I just can’t help it. I’ve got a mean “Resting Grinch Face” and I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.

Just think about it for a minute. Imagine how stupid the average person in this world is. Think about that total moron you work with, or that dumba** driver you were stuck behind on the way home today. Are you visualizing? Then, realize that half of the population is even more stupid than that. I mean…that is a scary thought. How can a person not be irritated and crabby when dealing with that level of incompetence?

So, as a Life Grinch, here are some of the reasons that I might want to punch you in the face.

  • You put reindeer antlers or eyelashes on your car. Why? It is not funny. A car will never be a reindeer nor do they need eyelashes. Please give me one good reason why you would do this and maybe I will remove you from this list.
  • Chewing loudly. No one wants to hear you eat.  Keep it down and shut your big mouth.
  • Not flushing the toilet after you go number 2 in a public bathroom. I will never understand this. In fact, I wrote an entire post about it. Click Here. Do us all a favor and just pull the lever when you are done.
  • If you like the day of Tuesday you deserve a punch, right in the face. Nothing good ever comes out of Tuesday. Again, an entire post was devoted to my hatred of this bitch of a day. Click Here.
  • People that don’t move their purse off the church pew to make room for you. Why? Does your purse really need a spot on the pew at church? Does your purse need special space and breathing room? Seriously, just set it on the floor and deal with it like everyone else. I don’t love sitting all snuggled up next to strangers either, but it is what it is. It is one hour. Stop being an asshole.
  • If you speak fluent Pokémon. I don’t really understand any of it and I honestly just don’t want to talk about it. Here is a special little ditty I wrote about all it. Click Here. But really… just stop telling me about all your adventures with Pikachu.
  • Greedy rich people. For the love of God, please top flaunting your money and stop being assholes. Just because you have money, doesn’t mean you are better than others. You may be more successful, yes…but not better. Guess what? Our graves will all be the same size at the end, jack wagons.
  • People that don’t put their dogs on a leash when they go for walks. Your dog may be well-behaved, fine. But when you live in a neighborhood with lots of children, you can’t expect them not to run up to you. They are kids. To them, dogs are fluffy, cute, and cuddly animals. So, put your angry, rabid dog on a leash. Also note: not everyone loves your dog as much as you do.
  • People that walk down the middle of a parking lot super slow paying no attention to the cars that need to drive down the lane. They just dilly dally around with no cares in the world. Are you sightseeing? I mean, honestly. Just walk into the store. What could possibly be so interesting to see in a parking lot. Must be so pleasant in the world in your head.
  • If you are a wizard…or if you like them. I don’t get it. What is there to like about Wizards?

See? I’m a life Grinch. I own it. Take it or leave it. We are all just trying to make our way in this insanely over-crowded world. All you positive, happy-go-lucky folks, keep it up. That’s your way. Life grinching, that’s my thing. Now go away and stop annoying me.

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Valuable Lessons My Kids Have Taught Me

“While you try to teach your kids all about life, they teach us what life is all about.”

I recently read this quote and it really hit home. In my opinion there is really nothing more true. Every single day we strive to teach our children valuable lessons that they can take with them into adulthood. At least that is the plan. We put them in the best schools in hopes they will be smart and successful. We put them into tons of sports and clubs to ensure that they are well-rounded and have lots for friends.  But I think they end up teaching us so much more than we can ever teach them. So much more than we ever expected to learn. They teach us about love, patience, and respect. They teach us what life is all about…and other stuff. They teach us other stuff, too. Boy do they teach us other stuff.

Things like:

  1. Every single word to annoying Disney Channel theme songs. Every word. All day long, stuck in my head. Over and Over.
  2. That you really can survive on Peanut Butter Sandwiches and granola bars alone.
  3. You don’t die if you inhale your meals at an incredibly fast rate.
  4. If a three-year-old tells you to do something, you do it. No questions asked.
  5. Matching socks are overrated. Mismatched is the way to go.
  6. Band-Aids really do fix just about anything. Keep them stashed everywhere.
  7. Never give up. If someone tells you no, act like your kids…ask again 10,000 more times because they probably didn’t mean it.
  8. A family of five, a dog, and a cat can all fit into a queen-sized bed. I am living proof of this.
  9. The terminology and rules of Pokémon. Every single stat, every single character.
  10. A three-year-old’s voice can be louder than 100 people in a jam-packed bar. And you can’t escape it.
  11. Super Glue is not ideal for art projects.
  12. Going out to dinner with three kids is NEVER a good idea. NEVER.
  13. You can wear the same socks for 8 days in a row and no one will notice. Why change them?
  14. No matter what. The second you sit down; One of them will need something. Every. Single. Time.
  15. The smell of vomit on cloth car seats doesn’t come out.
  16. The smell of pee on around the toilet on wood floors doesn’t come out either.

So, yes, our kids teach us a lot. Valuable lessons about life, love, patience, hope…and LOTS of other stuff.

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The Loss of an “On-Demand” Movie: The Toddler Stages of Grief

When you have a toddler and their favorite On Demand movie has been removed from the “free” list, the pain is real. They can go from adorable, funny, and sweet to a possessed spawn of Satan as soon as they realize the movie is really gone. This is a death to them.

Like any loss, there are stages of grief. Here are the five stages of toddler “movie-loss” grief.

  1. Denial: It can’t be gone. No way is it really gone. It was just here yesterday. This is not happening. The “Monkey Movie” cannot really be gone. Parents: Please note, this is the warning stage. Shit is about to get real.
  2. Anger: You better be kidding me. You get that movie back before I go “Godzilla” on this place. I will destroy you and everything in this house. Parents: The toddler anger stage is one of the strongest and most dangerous forces on earth. This is when the screaming, crying, biting, flailing, kicking, and head-spinning starts. You can’t reason, you can’t argue, you can’t bribe, and you can’t restrain. There is no telling how long this stage will last. Just stand back and watch the amazing (yet terrifying) show until they move along into the bargaining stage.
  3. Bargaining: Just turn it back on. I’ll be really sweet and cuddly if you just turn it back on. Please? I’ll be your best friend? I might even consider eating some of my dinner. Please? Parents: It is unknown as to exactly what happens for the toddler to move from the anger phase to the bargaining phase. It could really be anything…. possibly pure exhaustion from the monumental tantrum in the anger stage. But beware, if you still don’t give them the answer that they want, they may revert back into the “anger stage”.
  4. Depression: None of these other movies can even come close to comparing to the “Baby Monkey Movie.” There will never be another one. I will cry myself to sleep every night dreaming of the movie that once was. My little toddler life is over. Parents: This stage also has a lot of crying. Less screaming, but lots of crying. Hugs may help.
  5. Acceptance: This new cartoon is not so bad, I guess. There are some funny parts in it. There is even a different monkey that is alright. Maybe I could get used to this. Parents: this is the stage where that cute, adorable, loving toddler slowly returns. You’ve made it through…at last for the next five minutes until the next crisis.

And the cycle then repeats itself with the new movie. Damn you “On-Demand” you are a blessing and a curse.

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Ridiculous Things I Have Told My Kids…That Aren’t Even Remotely True

In general, I am an honest person. I try to tell the truth, be open with my thoughts and feelings, and do the right thing. That said, if I’m being honest, I’m not above throwing out a quick, creative white lie (or a whopper, if necessary) to protect my kids, to avoid a mega meltdown, or just simply to have a second of peace and quiet for myself. I have discovered that with kids, sometimes this is necessary for survival.

Whether I’ve come up with some crazy story for why the Tooth Fairy didn’t show or a clever alternative to why the darn elf on the shelf forgot to move, if it’s for the good of your child, what’s the harm? I find myself coming up with some ridiculous things when trying to persuade my kids to do something, go somewhere, or just behave. Most of these things are crazy and not even a remote possibility. I, Barrie Bismark, have turned into a mom of empty threats. Here are a few examples of my tall tales.

Lie: If you don’t get your shoes on, I am leaving without you.
Truth: No, no I won’t. Where am I going to go? I mean, I’m pretty sure I would get arrested and go to jail if I actually left you.

Lie: Stop it now or I am going to turn this car around.
Truth: I won’t do it. I want to make it to work or the doctor on time. Plus, this is probably what the kids really want…for me to turn around and go home.

Lie: I’m counting to three. You better stop it.
Truth: I may be counting, but even I don’t know what happens when I get to three. Really, I have no idea. Maybe I’ll take something away, maybe I’ll yell louder. Who knows. The unknown is part of the ploy.

Lie: Pick up your toys or I am going to throw them away.
Truth: Actually, I won’t. That is a lot of work and I have spent a hell of a lot of money on them. I won’t really do that, even though the temptation is there.

Lie: See that guy working over there? He is going to kick us out of this restaurant. Now behave!
Truth: I have no idea who that guy is. He probably doesn’t even work there.

Lie: It’s ham…white ham.
Truth: It could be chicken, turkey, or really any other meat that remotely resembles ham.

Lie: Just wait until your dad gets home. You’re going to be in big trouble.
Truth: Nothing will probably happen. I’ll probably forget about it in the midst of the crazy, hectic dinner hour.

Lie: You better stop or I am going to come over there.
Truth: I don’t really want to get up. In fact, I probably won’t. Just stop trying to kill your sister.

Lie: The “Monkey Movie” is broken. We can’t get it anymore.
Truth: It is not broken. I am just going to explode if I have to watch it even one more time. Pick something else…anything else!

Lying really isn’t my thing. However, I do seem to do it, probably more than I should. What empty threats have you given your kids?

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11 Milestones You Won’t Find In Baby Books

There are certain things that parents look forward to seeing their children do for the first time. Watching them take their first steps, saying their first word, and losing the first tooth. These are all really important milestones that you don’t want to miss as a parent.

Typically, with your first child, you meticulously journal every single “first” they do, probably even take photos to document and fill out every single page of the baby book. Then the second child comes along. You do the best you can to document the same things as frequently as you can, but not with nearly the same momentum as with the first baby. Then the youngest comes along. She hardly has any photos, no journaling, and little to no documenting.

But as a mom of three young children, there are some other amazing “milestones” that I want to mention. These are not the usual things you think of, but to me, these things are BIG DEALS. You are not going to find these gems in any of the baby books. When you children can do these things, it means that you have survived some of the worst times of the early years.

These folks, are the real parenting milestones.

  1. Your child figures out how to blow their own nose with a Kleenex and figures out how to keep the snot from shooting out of their nose or mouth when they sneeze.
  2. They poop in a toilet AND wipe their own butt independently. They may not always do the best job, but they can do it.
  3. When your child can climb into their own car seat and/or buckle their own seatbelt. You no longer have to wrestle them into the seat and use physical restraint to buckle them in…they just do it.
  4. They can put on shoes without help, probably at a snail’s pace, but still…they can do it.
  5. When they can put on their own snow pants, hats, mittens, and boots without help and stay outside playing longer than three seconds.
  6. When they can barf in the toilet or into the bucket and not all over the couch, floor, bed, and carpet. This my friends, is a glorious day.
  7. When your child bathes alone and can get themselves dressed. No water all over the floor, no toys all over the shower, no crying about soap in their eyes.
  8. When they learn how to turn on the TV and switch to Netflix without assistance. Say goodbye to trying to figure out what the “monkey show” is or the “movie with the car”. They can find it themselves.
  9. When they learn that it is not a good idea to go running blindly into parking lots. They can get out of the car and stand there until you get the other children out. Truly amazing.
  10. When they can make their own breakfast. Mom can enjoy her coffee before it gets cold. Ok…probably not, but it was a nice thought.
  11. When they sleep in longer than you on the weekend. I haven’t experienced this one yet, but I hear the day is coming.

Every day as a parent is full of new experiences we get to enjoy and remember and challenges we have to survive. Every milestone is important. Yes, it might bring a tear to your eyes thinking back on all these little things…but once you reach them, it sure makes your life as a mom just a little bit easier.

Congratulations, you made it through this phase! On to the next.

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