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Remember, I Like My Kids! By: Brandi Puga
Children are miraculous. They are perhaps the only creatures that you can love more than life itself yet feel complete rage towards 75% of the time. Between the near constant fighting, exhaustion on my part, inability to listen EVER, and the disastrous messes they leave in their wake, sometimes I forget that I LIKE my children as well as love them. Let’s face it, you don’t have to like someone to love them. We all have that one relative, you know the one, the one who you wish no ill upon but you wish wouldn’t show up for birthday parties channeling Clark Griswald. But I DO like my children, they are funny, interesting, enjoyable little balls of fury, I just forget sometimes.
Thus, I have spent the last week remembering how much I like my kids. I promised myself to wait a beat before answering their constant and sometimes ridiculous questions so that I could enjoy the question as well as search for a decent or, at least, equally obnoxious answer. I put my phone down and let my dishes wait awhile longer so that I could read my little ones an extra story or cuddle and extra minute in the morning. And I DO like my kids! Now that I am not acting like such and an a$$h*le they are acting less insane and we are enjoying each other more! Imagine that.
About the Author
Brandi is a mother of 5 and workout enthusiast. She spends her time cooking and attempting to keep up with housework, but generally failing. She also works part time as a bartender and blogger. You can check out her blog at bigfitfam.com and other social media at Facebook, G+ Twitter, Pinterest.
1. Train tables. See post “Why I hate Train Tables.” These bastards got their very own post.
2. Shopkins. What even are these??? Oh, you lost your 3 centimeter tall baseball Shopkin and you would like me to stop doing seven hundred things so that I can tear apart the house looking for it? Bwahahahahahahahaha! Mom gives zero f***s about baseball Shopkin or ANY Shopkin for that matter. I look forward to sucking those destroyers-of-sanity up with my vacuum. Sorry not sorry.
3. Lego sets. So let me get this straight. First, I get to pay fifty bucks for a Lego set. Then I get to sit on the floor and do 99% of the work while you whine at me and tell me that I am doing it all wrong. Finally, I will dismiss you from my presence and devote hours to creating this Lego wonderland only to have you break it and lose half the pieces and instructions within 24 hours?!? You have got to be kidding. Who invented this hell???
4. American Girl dolls. To the creators of American Girl. I hate you with the burning intensity of one million suns. My multiple daughters NEEEEEEEED their bevy of dolls to own shoes and accessories that cost more than mine do. At one point I found myself spending more time combing the dolls’ hair than my own children’s’ hair! We have recently taken out a second mortgage on the house so that we can purchase your merchandise. The dolls aren’t even that cool! Really, you think too highly of yourselves.
5. Monster High Dolls. I hate them, but I hate less them because they are cheap a.f. and my girls actually use them. They are creepy twigs with heads. Can we talk about distorted body image? Gross things. The hands come off all of the time! I can never find them. I spend a ton of time looking for Monster High hands along with those damn Shopkins. When I do find them it is usually while I am vacuuming, and my love of sucking up toys with the vacuum cleaner overpowers my need to pick the Monster High hands off of the floor. Everybody loses.
6. Stuffed animals. These guys are the horniest toys around. They have to be because they multiply like crazy. I find myself feeding them to our dog Queso Cheese Monster, he too loves stuffed animals. Sorry kids, Queso ate your monkey. Blame him.
7. Rounding out the list we have musical instruments. Yes, they are enriching. Yes, it’s cute when your kids make up their own band and entertain relatives for the holidays. There is just one problem. They are loud. My kids are loud enough without them! Please bang on a keyboard, shake your tambourine and do whatever the hell it is you’re doing with that accordion. No really, mommy loves it. NOPE. Mommy wants to lock herself in the garage and drink all of the beer that daddy hides out there. (Yeah I know all about the secret beer stash Sam. Try harder next time. Perhaps try the laundry room…God knows you never step foot in there.)
There it is kids. Now let us combine our bitchy mom forces and add to this
I think that we have already established that I have a deep and strange hatred for trains. My children’s train table kind of ruins my life every single day. Just looking at the thing causes me to pop a Xanax and breathe into a paper bag. It isn’t just the train tables that raise my blood pressure though, let us devote some time to the dreaded Thomas The Train.
Some moms put the kiddies down for a nap and watch soap operas such as Days of Our Lives. Not me. I find myself watching “Trains” of Our Lives. Yep. I’ll admit it. I watch Thomas and his stupid gang of bitchy trains even when the kids are not around. It draws me in and totally warps me. I can NOT get enough of their train drama and strange little train faces. Surprise face, angry face, sad face. They are all wonderfully hilarious! If you are a parent and not watching Trains of Our Lives, then you are missing out!
Grab a glass of wine…or a bottle… and find that shit on Netflix while I give you a run down of my favorite episode.
It’s yet another day on the creepy little island of Sodor. All seems well with Thomas and his gangs of misfits, then all of the sudden Thomas is sent on a very important mission. The big boss Sir Top-Em-Hat has told whiny, annoying Emily Train to remind Thomas to put on his snow tires. Now little-miss-know-it-all Emily repeatedly nags Thomas to do so, but Thomas is in a mood and just isn’t having it today. He is taking none of Emily’s crap!
Guess what guys…A SNOWSTORM HITS! That’s right. Thomas gives us all of the faces, angry, surprised, sad, pouty. It is amazing! Of course one of his train gang members has to come bail his stupid ass out. Pouty Thomas returns home to Little Miss I-Told-You-So. Oh yeah, Emily is just dying to give it to him!
BUT WAIT A TWIST!
Sir Top Em Hat struts over and gives it to Emily TOO! That’s right. Emily was supposed to disclose that the snow tires order came from the big man himself! Oh Emily you really screwed up this time. Now we have two pouty little trains getting verbally spanked by Top Em Hat. This guy is kind of a badass, the train Godfather if you will. I wouldn’t mess with him.
Lesson learned trains. Do as you are told and quit being asshats.