A devoted mother of three tragically met her demise Tuesday when she succumbed to an unknown fungus and dropped dead. Reportedly, this death-fungus was contracted from direct exposure to her child’s treasured stuffed teddy bear, “baby”. When interviewed after her death, her husband said, “Baby had been around for years and touched just about everything and everyone in our house at one time or another. That fungus must have been fermenting and incubating on the bear host for years.”
It is believed that the mother contracted this parasitic fungus when her child insisted on rubbing the dirty, contaminated bear all over her face. “She must have had her mouth open or breathed in at the wrong time. We have all been around the crusty, infested, cancer-bear for seven years and nothing happened. Apparently, her immune system wasn’t as iron clad as we all thought”, he said.
Shockingly, the child never contracted the deadly fungus in all these years. Perhaps she had built up an immunity to it while spending the majority of each day rubbing it on her face, sucking on it, wiping snot on it, using it as a napkin, and coddling it until it no longer even resembled the bear it once was. “Early on, it was a lovely shade of pink and all limbs were fully intact. After years of spit, snot, vomit, and pee, the disheveled bear is permanently a dirty brown color and smells like a mix of Febreze and old urine…and now, apparently is infected with a deadly fungus. At home we lovingly referred to it as the dead rat”, her husband said between dry heaves.
The family’s oldest son said, “I always suspected that baby bear would eventually kill someone. That thing was so disgusting; I knew it was just a matter of time. I just hoped it would be my butt-head sister and not my mom. We should have burned that rat a long time ago.”
The Center for Disease Control visited the grieving family, and decided to quarantine the home and its contents. “We can’t risk this fungus getting out into the general population”, they said. There was no comment on the stuffed animal’s current whereabouts. They later decided to flick a match and burn the house down to the ground. “It is the only way we can be sure the fungus is really gone”, a spokesperson for The CDC said. The family is now reportedly living in their van in the Costco parking lot, but are all currently fungus-free.