The Grinch. I’m sure you’ve heard of him…he is the green, furry A-hole that stole Christmas. Most often, people think about him at Christmas time when the movie is on TV just about every hour. But I say, why save your grinching just for Christmas time? Grinching is a year-round thing for me and I have branded myself as a “Life Grinch”. The thing is, people just really annoy the shit out of me. Always have, and probably always will. It’s not that I am perfect and no one can compare to me. In fact, I am so far from perfect, that it is not even funny and I am sure that people are just as annoyed with me as I am with them. But me, I am just easily annoyed and have no patience for stupidity…or just patience in general.
My entire life, people have told me I am too grumpy, too emotional, and too easily annoyed. “Relax” they say. “Chill out” Barrie. But I just can’t help it. I’ve got a mean “Resting Grinch Face” and I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Just think about it for a minute. Imagine how stupid the average person in this world is. Think about that total moron you work with, or that dumba** driver you were stuck behind on the way home today. Are you visualizing? Then, realize that half of the population is even more stupid than that. I mean…that is a scary thought. How can a person not be irritated and crabby when dealing with that level of incompetence?
So, as a Life Grinch, here are some of the reasons that I might want to punch you in the face.
- You put reindeer antlers or eyelashes on your car. Why? It is not funny. A car will never be a reindeer nor do they need eyelashes. Please give me one good reason why you would do this and maybe I will remove you from this list.
- Chewing loudly. No one wants to hear you eat. Keep it down and shut your big mouth.
- Not flushing the toilet after you go number 2 in a public bathroom. I will never understand this. In fact, I wrote an entire post about it. Click Here. Do us all a favor and just pull the lever when you are done.
- If you like the day of Tuesday you deserve a punch, right in the face. Nothing good ever comes out of Tuesday. Again, an entire post was devoted to my hatred of this bitch of a day. Click Here.
- People that don’t move their purse off the church pew to make room for you. Why? Does your purse really need a spot on the pew at church? Does your purse need special space and breathing room? Seriously, just set it on the floor and deal with it like everyone else. I don’t love sitting all snuggled up next to strangers either, but it is what it is. It is one hour. Stop being an asshole.
- If you speak fluent Pokémon. I don’t really understand any of it and I honestly just don’t want to talk about it. Here is a special little ditty I wrote about all it. Click Here. But really… just stop telling me about all your adventures with Pikachu.
- Greedy rich people. For the love of God, please top flaunting your money and stop being assholes. Just because you have money, doesn’t mean you are better than others. You may be more successful, yes…but not better. Guess what? Our graves will all be the same size at the end, jack wagons.
- People that don’t put their dogs on a leash when they go for walks. Your dog may be well-behaved, fine. But when you live in a neighborhood with lots of children, you can’t expect them not to run up to you. They are kids. To them, dogs are fluffy, cute, and cuddly animals. So, put your angry, rabid dog on a leash. Also note: not everyone loves your dog as much as you do.
- People that walk down the middle of a parking lot super slow paying no attention to the cars that need to drive down the lane. They just dilly dally around with no cares in the world. Are you sightseeing? I mean, honestly. Just walk into the store. What could possibly be so interesting to see in a parking lot. Must be so pleasant in the world in your head.
- If you are a wizard…or if you like them. I don’t get it. What is there to like about Wizards?
See? I’m a life Grinch. I own it. Take it or leave it. We are all just trying to make our way in this insanely over-crowded world. All you positive, happy-go-lucky folks, keep it up. That’s your way. Life grinching, that’s my thing. Now go away and stop annoying me.