Plymouth, Minnesota. Local company seeking the “perfect employee” for an immediate job opening. This is a full-time position with below average salary, little to no advancement opportunity, and mediocre benefits package.  Mind-readers and ass kissers encouraged to apply.

The ideal candidate for this position must possess the following qualifications and traits:

  • Low expectations are a must. Specifically regarding the functions of our HR department (or lack thereof) when it comes to compensation, harassment, employee rights, maternity leave, health benefits, time off, or basic human decency.
  • Must be flexible and comfortable with doing things the dumbest, roundabout way possible. Any suggestions for improvement will be mocked, ridiculed, and shot down immediately.
  • Ideal candidates will find fulfillment in everyday, menial tasks and will, in general, be the kind of person who doesn’t aspire to be more in life apart from what they already are.
  • We are seeking someone around the age of 22-26 with at least 30 years of experience but is still “moldable” to conform to our amazing culture.
  • Must be well-dressed and attractive, but not in a threatening way. (Earrings are suspect).
  • Must not be pregnant and possibly unable to get pregnant.
  • Must smile all the time and never let on that anything in their personal life is impeding their work. The right candidate for this position will understand that their job is the most important thing on earth.
  • Ideal applicant will mindlessly follow orders, have no opinions, ideas, or suggestions on how to improve processes and procedures. There is no room for improvement here.
  •  Will find every male co-worker at a higher level charming, funny, and handsome. All female co-workers must be showered with compliments, respect, awe, and admiration at all times.
  • Applicant must be a hard worker. As a reward, you can expect to receive other people’s work to do with no recognition or compensation.
  • Ideal candidates have a high tolerance for incompetent people.
  • Must embrace unrealistic, unattainable, and impossibly high expectations.
  • The right candidate will not ever, under any circumstances, show emotion (this includes crying, yelling, laughing, and sarcasm).
  • Applicant must excel at “dumbing down” everything to a child-like level to explain to superiors that get paid way more than they ever will.
  • Must have superhuman ability to not get frustrated when it takes months to make an important decisions such as a font or promotional item color.
  • The right candidate is strongly encouraged to attend every company happy hour, retreat, celebration, and employee engagement event with a giant smile on their face, especially if those events fall in the evening or the weekend. Poor attendance to these events may negatively impact your performance review.

If you feel your skills match the above requirements, please submit your resume as soon as possible. Winners need not apply.

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