Dear Neighbors,

As members of this neighborhood and community, I feel it is my duty to explain a few things to you. I have a hunch you may think our house is full of crazy people. How can you not? While you may be right, I want to clarify the magnitude of the crazy and explain some of the yelling and screaming you hear coming from our house on a regular basis. Please be assured that no one is getting murdered, no one is being tortured, and it is not some sort of communal housing for screaming children (although it feels like that at times). We are simply a regular old family and the exhausted parents of an 8-year-old, 7-year-old, and 3-year-old. You, being our lovely neighbors, are the lucky holders of VIP seats to this freak show. While our little shit show is probably very entertaining at times, I want to make sure you know that nothing sinister is happening.

I would like to take this opportunity and give you a sample of some of the reasons you may hear the blood curdling shrieking and wailing coming from our house at all hours of the day and night.

  • We are just simply trying to get everyone into the car.
  • One of the kids looking at the other.
  • I asked the 3-year-old to wear pants outside.
  • The 7-year-old wants chips and we said no.
  • It’s bedtime.
  • Mom sucks at doing first grade math. Really…that is NOT how you add ten.
  • The dog is looking at the 3-year-old.
  • Mom is leaving the house to go anywhere. Ever.
  • They are fighting over who gets to pet the cat.
  • I ruined the 8-year-old’s life again by telling him he can’t go outside and play until homework is done.
  • I asked the kids to take a shower.
  • The dog pooped on the floor again. (This one is usually me screaming!)
  • One of the kids has a terrible injury…Ahem…I mean a teeny, tiny sliver.
  • Netflix changed the movie line up and the favorite of the week is gone.
  • The youngest wants Playdoh.
  • I made crap for dinner AGAIN.

See? There you have it. No murders, no torture … just one big, happy, dysfunctional family with three kids under 8. Please accept our apologies and enjoy the shit show!

Sincerely,

The freaks next door

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