Dear mom,

You may think that dinner time is exhausting, chaotic, and frustrating. I see you secretly wiping away those tears as all hell breaks loose every single day. I feel bad for being a large part of your dinner time drinking…so, I wanted to help you out. As your toddler, I am here to tell you it doesn’t have to be this hard. I wanted to let you in on a few little toddler secrets. Follow these simple rules and conditions, and I just might eat my dinner. That’s what you want, right?

  • All plates, bowls, and cups must be selected and pre-approved by me. If you pick the blue bowl without approval, I will lose my shit.
  • I must sit on your lap while I eat. Not next to you, but directly on your lap.
  • Except for when I am not sitting on your lap. Then I will lay under the table or run back and forth from the living room to my chair, smearing food all over the couch on the way. Don’t yell.
  • I may or may not use a fork. This will depend on my mood at that instant and if the “puppy fork” is clean. Sometimes even if the puppy fork is clean, I might just use my hands anyway.
  • Just let me eat directly from your plate, even if the exact same food is on my plate. Clearly, the food on my plate is poison.
  • Please note: I will lose my shit if you eat any of the poison food off my plate. It’s mine.
  • I will stick my fingers in your drink. Just accept it and move on. 
  • I refuse to eat anything that is spicy (anything that has more flavor than water, is sweet, is salty, or is not bland is spicy). Don’t bother putting it on my plate if it has any sort of flavor.
  • Don’t give me anything that is “broken”. It must all be in one piece. It tastes different when it is broken.
  • Applaud and praise me for every bite of food I take. This is essential.
  • Ensure my food is at the ideal temperature of 98.5 degrees. Not too hot or not too cold. If it is not at the correct temperature, I will spit it out and/or throw my plate across the room.
  • I also may just decide that I don’t like what is on my plate which will also lead to throwing it across the room or feeding it directly to the dog. 
  • My food must not be hard, soft, slippery, wet, bumpy, dry, hot, cold, crunchy, mushy, or spicy.
  • Food color is very important too. I only like red food on Tuesday. If you give me green food, make sure it is only when there is a full moon. Yesterday I liked yellow food, but I will HATE it tomorrow. Try to keep up.
  • Never let one type of food touch another type of food on my plate. This will again make me throw my plate across the room.
  • I will eat three bites of dinner. Then I want candy and ice cream. 

See? This is simple. Now that you know what I expect, there should be no more tears of frustration or drinking. Let’s all enjoy this family dinner. Now, hug me and love me (I own you).

Love,

Your dearest toddler

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