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St. Michael, MN. During a recent poop intervention, a local father of three is adamant he didn’t miss anything important when he ventured to the dark abyss that is a “trip to the bathroom”. He claims that when he emerged relaxed and hungry just 45 minutes later, he didn’t miss a thing. In fact, he thought he was only gone for five minutes. “Huh, how did that happen? No wonder I’m hungry,” he said.

His wife however, had a much different story to tell. She claims he misses A LOT as he always does when he has to “poop”.  During this emotional intervention, she claimed that the second the bathroom door shuts, the turmoil and anarchy begins. Just last week he missed the epic fight of all fights happening right in our own living room. All this just a few short feet away from our obviously soundproof bathroom where he claims he didn’t hear the blood curdling screeching. Chairs were flipped, faces were slapped, furniture was broken, hair was pulled, and blood was eventually drawn when the kids went all WWF on each other. “I had to referee a fist fight between three rabid beasts trying to kill each other over who got to choose the Netflix show.  Honestly, it would have been nice to have both parents intervene and get the family back under control,” she said.

Then, there was the beat down that allegedly occurred when she didn’t know what “dollhouse with 10 kids and a mom” was on YouTube. “I tried every video I could think of…nothing was right. I eventually just shut the computer off in a fit of rage and stormed out of the room,” she said.

If that wasn’t enough proof, she recalled the massive shit storm that ensued when she was asked to help her son with some fourth grade math homework. “Being the dumbass that I am, I did long division all wrong and not the way they do it in class,” she said. “Just drag my stupid ass out to the street and shoot me.”

Reportedly, after just three-quarters of an hour on the toilet, the husband emerged to find his wife in their bedroom with her puffy eyes glazed over, curled up in a ball, and rocking back and forth on the floor. All he could think to say was, “what’s for dinner?”

Reportedly, his wife is now slipping Metamucil and stool softeners into his morning coffee. “That should do the trick,” she said.

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