Plymouth, Minnesota – A local assistant stepped away from the office to grab a bite to eat. Almost immediately after she left, things spiraled out of control and the company was nearly forced to shut its doors before she returned.

When asked why she did what she did, the assistant allegedly said, “I was hungry. I just needed some fresh air and wanted to pick up a salad. I had no idea any of this would happen. I was gone for less than an hour.”

One boss said, “Once she left, there was just silence and everyone sat there stunned and didn’t really know what to do. No one wanted to move because we all feared that something bad might happen.”

During this time, one employee’s computer broke. Without the assistant, there was no one there who knew how to call IT. In fact, they didn’t even know who IT was. It was a full hour before that employee was able to update his Facebook status from his work computer.

Worse yet, the printer ran out of paper, and nothing could be done for an entire hour. No basketball brackets, fantasy football stats, or   could be printed, no Great Clips coupons printed, and definitely no children’s baseball schedules could be printed. Allegedly, the assistant had four emails alerting her to the fact that the printer was completely out of paper; each one was not responded to for an entire hour.  “That kind of disrespect just can’t be tolerated in the workplace”, the boss said.

The CEO angrily reported that he completely missed his workout because he was unable to finish typing and sending a very important email with an attachment. The company lost $2 billion because this one important report never got attached before hitting send. To further complicate things, it was also reported that he misspelled his own name.

But the worst travesty of this selfish “lunch break” was when a boss became hungry for his own lunch. He yelled his Applebee’s order from his office at his assistant, and then, to his horror, realized no one was there. Unable to run out to get his own food or feed himself, he starved to death right there at his desk when his cries of help were not heard.

Since then, the egotistical bosses realized that they needed their assistant and rewarded her with a massive raise and gave her the compensation she deserved….Just kidding. They told her she was a dime a dozen, fired her, and found someone else to kiss their asses.

Fortunately, the company is now thriving and looking forward to ruthlessly destroying the lives and crushing the souls of honest employees for years to come.

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