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March 2017

Humor, kids, Parenting

56 Reasons My Kids Can’t Eat Dinner

Mealtime with kids is always a big adventure. Most of the time, it is hellish. There is always a reason they don’t want to eat what I have made for them. I must admit, I am not the best cook in the world, but how bad can it actually be?

As an adult, this is all very confusing because, honestly, I can’t remember a time that I didn’t want to eat. In fact, I think about food all day long. Seriously, all day…I think about lunch, snack, what to have for dinner, treats…constantly. I’d even go so far as to say that my world kind of revolves around food. I have even been known not to attend events or gatherings because it interferes with a meal.

So, why can’t the kids just eat their dinner? As I mentioned, I am not a gourmet chef, but it’s like five green beans and cheese quesadilla. Just eat it. It’s pretty much the most non-offensive food known to man. It’s not like I am presenting them with a plate of balsamic-glazed salmon seared to perfection with a handmade lime drizzle. I mean honestly, it is cheese. I guess it is because kids are all about excuses. Those clowns have excuses for everything you can think of and can talk their way out of everything. Or, I really suck at melting cheese on tortillas and heating up chicken nuggets and green beans.

Here is a small sample of 56 excuses my kids give to not eat their dinner.

  1. I don’t like “it” (Doesn’t matter what “it” is; doesn’t matter if they at “it” yesterday)
  2. It looks funny (no, it‘s the same)
  3. It tastes different
  4. I’m not hungry
  5. I hate this food (lies)
  6. It is too crunchy
  7. It’s too soft
  8. It too spicy (It’s plain)
  9. I only eat peanut butter sandwiches, this is not a sandwich
  10. I’m busy
  11. My tummy hurts
  12. It’s too hot
  13. It’s too cold
  14. It’s not 98.5 degrees
  15. It’s not on your plate
  16. I only eat food on blue plates
  17. It’s not chicken nuggets
  18. Next day: It is chicken nuggets and I hate them
  19. I want cheese
  20. Not that cheese…idiot
  21. I want to go outside
  22. The dog ate it
  23. I’ll just have a snack later
  24. I’ll just have milk and a cracker
  25. I’m full (after drinking the milk and eating one cracker)
  26. I’m too tired to eat
  27. It smells gross
  28. It’s green
  29. Grandma makes it better
  30. It’s not yellow
  31. I hate rice
  32. I have a headache
  33. It’s not ham
  34. I’m in the middle of a Pokemon “battle” and I can’t come eat now
  35. It feels funny
  36. I hate your dinners
  37. It has too much butter (What? There is no such thing as too much butter)
  38. I must poop, this very instant
  39. I’m busy (um…you’re three, how busy can you be?)
  40. It feels funny
  41. I prefer candy
  42. It’s too whiteish
  43. It has something weird in it
  44. I want to sit next to mom or I can’t eat
  45. It’s dry
  46. It’s too wet
  47. It’s ugly
  48. I’m singing
  49. It’s yucky
  50. I’m sick
  51. It’s scary
  52. I want chips
  53. I’m cold
  54. I don’t to have to eat
  55. I have to pee
  56. The neighbors are out and they don’t have to eat

Before you judge my parenting tactics, I know that eating a balanced, healthy meal is important. In fact, even they know that. But I can’t force feed them at every meal. Sometimes, I just have to pick my battles. If they want to cry and gag because of the offensive cheese, then there is nothing I can do about it. Eventually they will grow out of it, right? Soon they will be daydreaming of the next snack or meal like their mama. I long for the days that I could resist a tasty meal.

Kids, food rules! You’ll figure that out eventually!

Cuddle Fairy
Humor, kids, Parenting

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

We have already established that parent’s lie to their kids sometimes. We can come up with some really ridiculous things when trying to convince them to do something, avoid a meltdown, or even just because we are tired. But our kids will try their best to pull one over on us as well, especially when they are trying to get out of something they don’t want to do. I guess they learned from the best!

Kids say the darndest things…especially when they are trying to get away with something. They learn early on that they can get away with more if they just bend the facts a little. Truth is, children probably lie for many of the same reasons adults do: to avoid punishment, to gain an advantage, to avoid a consequence, and even to boost their self-esteem.

How do they get away with it so easily? Perhaps it is because they are so cute, or maybe it is those big eyes and dimples. They look so innocent and believable. But, don’t be fooled. Most likely, you have been conned. Those little stinkers are good. Even your perfect children have kept the truth to themselves at one time or another. Whether it’s because they wanted to keep a bad grade to themselves, avoid something, or to sneak off to play, it’s inevitable that a fib will come out of your child’s mouth at some point.

Here are some common things I hear around my house that are not completely accurate…

“I don’t know” – Well…They probably do know. But do you really think they’re going to tell you? No way. They know it won’t be good for them so their lips are sealed.

“I didn’t do it” – If you’re asking them, then they probably did do it. They will just never fess up to it.

 

 

 

 

“My brother/sister did it” – Again, they did it. Blaming their sibling is an easy out. It only works for a while though. Once the sibling can talk, the fighting starts.

“I finished my homework”– I bet this is actually only the case 35% of the time. They almost always miss something, rush through and make mistakes…and the reading. There is always reading to be done.

“I ate all my lunch”– In reality, they probably threw it away. I can tell they are starving by the way they are stuffing their faces the second they walk in the door after school.

“I feel sick” – This statement comes in handy when they don’t want to eat their dinner, do their homework, go to bed, go to school, go somewhere, clean their rooms…you get the idea. I don’t buy it.

“I need to go to the bathroom” – This excuse is a gem for them. At church, school, sibling’s performance, or on a long car ride. Getting up is way better than sitting quietly. In their minds mom and dad will never say no to having to pee. We wouldn’t’ want an accident, now would we?

“I’ll be good” – The fact that they’re saying this means that they’ve already no been good and been warned about their behavior.  In reality, they have no intention of listening or being good. They are just going to see how far they can push you.

Guess what kids? We are on to you! We were all kids once and we know the game.

What other lies have your kids told you?

Cuddle Fairy
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Humor, kids, Parenting

An Ode to the Mom Purse

Oh, the splendid mom purse. You know the kind…The big, magical bag that contains anything and everything that anyone would need at any given moment. These usually massive hand bags contain everything from snacks to crayons to underwear to candy.

With every child, my mom purse has grown in size. What once was a small, clean, neat and tidy bag now resembles a mangled, dirty, messy suitcase filled with papers, garbage, and food. You see, part of being a mom is having whatever those little monsters might need on hand just in case they need it. Band-Aids…check! Hand sanitizer…check! Coloring books…check! So, my purse doubles (ahem…triples) as a diaper bag, suitcase, and bottomless satchel of life resources.

Just the ot her day, my kid was asking me for a Kleenex while we were in the car. I honestly didn’t have one in my purse (shockingly). She lost her shit. It dawned on me right then that she literally didn’t understand that I didn’t have one in my purse. You see, to my kids, my purse has always been a vast container that produces everything they need whenever they need it. She literally couldn’t grasp that I didn’t have what she was asking for. “What do you mean, you don’t have a Kleenex? How can this be? This has never happened before.” It was definitely a fail on my part. The magic satchel wasn’t so magic that day.

As one could imagine, the mom purse can take quite a beating. It goes everywhere. Eventually, the mom purse gets to the point where the clutter and dirt can no longer be tolerated or the bag is so disheveled that it needs to be tossed; It is time for a fresh start. A mom can only handle so much…After hauling around garbage, important papers, food, and childhood necessities for months, it is time to clean out and begin anew.

To me, there are few things more satisfying than purging the contents of or getting a new mom purse. For that short-lived, glorious moment I feel like I have got my shit together. “Look at me…my purse totally doesn’t have rotten food or garbage in it and it is completely clutter-free.”

This is about as close as I ever come to organizing my life.

But, like anything in life, what starts out as a clean, perfect, organized, pretty little package gradually becomes battered, dirty, ripped, and cluttered once again. Slowly, but surely, it becomes a dirty shell of the beautiful purse it once was.

So, what is the point of this delightful little tale? I guess it is a couple things. First, you can never be too prepared with kids. All jokes aside, fill up that bad boy with whatever you want, moms. When your kid is flopping around on the floor at Target for some stupid reason and you remember that you have a tic tac, a sticker, or duct tape and can save the day, you’ll be happy. Whatever it takes to keep them quiet. Second, husbands, stop complaining when your wife gets that new purse…again. Let her feel that her life is put together for that one amazing moment. Even though it will become worn and tattered once again, let her have that moment.

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Humor, Parenting

The Momtrum

Have you ever wigged out on your kids for a stupid reason? Have they ever just pushed you to the point of no return? I’m guessing you said “yes”. It is inevitable. All moms lose their cool at one time or another. Nobody can be perfect and calm all the time when dealing with children, no matter how bad we want to. Kids learn very early on how to push our buttons…and they always know just the right time to do it. They will test you and push you to extremes you didn’t even know were possible. Eventually, the stress gets to be so much that there is nothing you can do but lose it. I call this the mom tantrum (momtrum).

You never really know what it will be that will set a momtrum into motion. Maybe it was a bad day at work and coming home to a messy house, could be hormones, or possibly the constant sound of bickering kids in the background. Whatever it is that starts it, it puts that wheel into motion and the momentum just escalates. The mom-pot is about to boil over.

Warning signs:

  • Your voice starts to shake and gets higher pitched.
  • You feel your face starting to get hot and turn red.
  • You start slamming things around.
  • The urge to scream and cry uncontrollably is almost too much.
  • Your kids start looking at you with terror in their eyes…they know shit is about to get real.

 You do everything you can to try to prevent it and pull out all your coping mechanisms…count to 10, try to step way, take deep breaths, blah, blah, blah. But BAM. It happens. You boil over and there is no turning back now. You are in full-blown mom tantrum. You yell at the kids, you stomp around and slam things, you probably drop a curse word or two, and you begin making random and unenforceable threats to your children or husband (I swear that if you don’t pick up your crap I am going to throw away every single one of your toys away. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE).

And…there you find yourself, out of control…toddler style.

Folks, the momtrum is real, whether we like to admit it or not. Moms snap. Lose our cool. Being a mom is exhausting and stressful…and no one can quite prepare you for mix of emotions you can feel all at the same moment. I am fairly confident that no one wants to act like an out of control toddler and have our kids see us lose control. How are you supposed to explain acceptable behavior to your children when you are acting like one yourself? I think we all want to be the calm, level-headed moms that can roll with the punches…and sometimes we can…just not all the time. Sometimes, an all-out tantrum is necessary for survival. It is a release. For me, it is usually when I am tired, hungry, or stressed out about something beyond my control. The little things will just set me off. The next thing I know I am screaming at my kids to pick up the shit that I have asked them to pick up 10,000 times before. But guess what? That shit gets picked up! Sometimes, fear tactics work, my friends.

So go ahead, throw a momtrum every once in a while. Its therapeutic. Everyone has their breaking point…even moms. Hey, maybe you’ll get your way or the kids might actually get their shoes on the first time you ask. Tantrums work for toddlers, right?

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

JENerally Informed

 

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kids, Parenting

Kids These Days…ARE EXPENSIVE!

Kids are expensive. Duh, I probably don’t have to tell any of you that. Even people without children know that it costs a lot of money to raise a child. You could probably compare it to lighting money on fire and just watching it burn. There is always something they need at any given moment. Whether it is the general necessities like food, diapers, clothes, and child care or the less necessary like toys, sports, braces, or cell phones…it all adds up very quickly.

When you first have a baby you think to yourself, I’ll just suck it up while they are babies. We’ll pay for the diapers, formula, and child care and we will save money once they are out of diapers. Ha! I have three kids (9 and under) and I am still waiting for the day that I don’t have to spend money on diapers. If it is not the diapers then it is the school supplies, sports, camps, more food, braces…the numbers just keep mounting even as they get older.

I read a recent statistic the other day that pretty much blew my mind. The total average cost of raising a child from infancy to age 17 in the U.S. is currently….drumroll please….$233,610 (U.S. Department of Agriculture, 2017). For each kid. What? And that number doesn’t even include a college education. How can this be? How are parents even supposed to do that?

If you have kids, it is probably best not to think about it. Not much you can do now. If you haven’t had kids yet, think about it…very hard. I’m not saying not to have kids because they are expensive, but rather, think about all the expenses first. There is far more to it than just diapers and formula. There are many hidden costs that you just don’t think about until you actually have kids. Things like:

  • Food – The amount of wasted food is ridiculous. Granola bars with one bite out of them. Bananas that are “no good” because they broke. Billions of uneaten dinners.
  • The urgent care visits. Strep, pink eye, stitches, broken bones…over and over and over. I’ve spent a good portion of my salary on co-pays for strep tests.
  • Christmas presents (from you and “I’ll just ask Santa for an iPad, they say.”).
  • Halloween costumes and candy. That stuff adds up quick year after year (that is if you don’t want to be the crappy neighbor that hands out old parade candy from last summer).
  • Extravagant birthday party venues. Yes, venues. Can’t let your kid be the one that has a lame party at home with no circus. The shame.
  • Cost of gas. You are shuttling them around all over town. It’s like a reverse taxi service… you drive and you pay.
  • Legos – the amount of money spent on Legos is absurd. They are expensive and they usually end up broken on the bottom of a toy box.
  • American Girl Dolls and accessories (because apparently dolls need their hair done at a salon – I had no idea).
  • Shoes…Kids go through shoes at lightning speed. They outgrow them. They put holes in them. They lose them.
  • Cost of electronics. They need ipads and iphones at the age of 2 these days.
  • Netflix subscriptions. It has become a necessity.
  • The wine you need to drink on a daily basis just to survive parenthood.

So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be off cutting coupons…and selling my organs on the black market. Gotta pay for college somehow.

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