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February 2017

Humor, Parenting

Borderline Insane Things Moms do Without Even Knowing

Once a woman has kids, she changes and is never really the same again. Your brain cells are gone, your body will never be the same, and you are an emotionally basket case most of the time. I bet if you asked any mom out there, she would say that her brain just works differently now…and sometimes it doesn’t seem to work at all.  Her mind is always on someone else first, her children. And believe me, they create a lot of things to think and worry about. This just comes along with being a mom.

Not only does having children make you lose your mind, it also preoccupies your mind. All the time. There are far too many things to think about at any given moment. “I hope they are having a good day…oops, I forgot to pack their snack this morning…did I feed the cat…I think we have gymnastics tonight…I wonder what we can do as a family this weekend?” And so on and so on. This can lead to some interesting behavior from time to time since we are not always paying complete attention to what we are doing. Moms don’t even realize that they are doing it, but for people who are not moms, well, we probably look pretty darn crazy. Honestly, maybe we are crazy. I certainly feel like it sometimes. Kids will do that to a person.

Here are some things that I find myself doing and I don’t even realize it!

Swaying back and forth as if you were holding a baby. I find myself doing this all the time…in line at the store, waiting for the elevator, and even when chatting with co-workers. Back and forth, back and forth. Probably looks pretty weird and might make people uncomfortable.

Talking out loud to yourself all the time. Sometimes I feel like this is the only way I can keep anything straight. I have full on conversations with myself at times. I am sure I look like a whack job.

Pointing out firetrucks and garbage trucks to your co-workers. You are so used to doing this for your kids, that it just comes naturally. I even find myself getting excited when I see one of them driving down the road.

Referring to your spouse as “daddy” or “mommy”.  “Go ask Daddy.” “Maybe Daddy knows where your hat is (Hahahaha – it was a good thought).”

Cutting up your own food into bite-sized pieces. Although this can be helpful and can prevent choking, it is unnecessary. I do it so often that I forget.

Catching yourself watching kid’s shows long after they are asleep. The sound of The Disney Channel and the “movie of the week” have become so normal I don’t even notice anymore.

Hearing “phantom crying” and going to check on the kids, AGAIN. “Did you hear that? Did someone make the faintest sound? I know I heard something.”

Awkwardly holding your purse or bag in front of you because you don’t know what to do with your arms. You are so used to holding a child, backpacks, diaper bags, and all of their other crap, you don’t know what to do when your arms are free.

Carrying around way too many things in your purse, for emergencies. Underwear, snacks, socks, candy, crayons, wipes, etc. It’s a joke. But it is best to be prepared.

Referring to ourselves in the third person. “Mommy will be right back.” “Mommy loves you.” We would sound pretty dumb if we did this anywhere else. “Mommy would like to order the side salad and a diet coke.” “Mommy would like to know where the bathroom is.”

So…maybe we are crazy. Maybe we are not. We are moms. It’s just what we do now.

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Humor, kids, Parenting

Keep Your Hands To Yourself

I’ve always been a clean person. I like to keep a clean house and have everything in its place. I am terrified of germs and I definitely consider myself a germ-a-phobe. Once I had kids, all of that pretty much went out the window…well, the germ phobia, that is probably worse.

Kids are disgusting, filthy little creatures. Let’s face it, their hands always need to be washed, there is always something crusty stuck to their face, and they are constantly touching things they haven’t figured out it’s not ok to touch. I am sure that any parent could probably tell you horror stories about things their kids have touched, licked, or put in their mouths, thanks to their natural curiosity and fearlessness. The phrase “Don’t Touch That” is all too familiar.

So, all you new moms out there that don’t quite know what you have gotten into yet, let me share some tasty little examples of what you may be up against in the very near future. Unless you have a very strong stomach, you might not want to read this while eating.

Things kids do and touch that might make you dry-heave

  • Lick the salt shaker at restaurants. Just imagine all the grimy hands on that bad boy.
  • Suck on candy off the floor (probably covered in fuzz and hair…not to mention someone else’s saliva).
  • Pick up cigarette butts they find in parking lots.
  • Feminine hygiene garbage cans in the restroom. Always. They can’t resist the fingerprinted, silver delightfulness.
  • Drinking fountain spigots. Full-on mouth over the top.
  • Chew on the dirty, old, half-eaten crayons at a restaurant. Imagine how many kids have sucked on them and dropped them under the table on the disgusting floor.
  • Lick just about anything in sight…shopping cart handles, elevator buttons, the bottom of their shoes, pretty much anything at their eye level.
  • Drink stagnant dog water from the dog bowl.
  • Play in the cat litter. Lots of buried treasure in there.
  • Eat food they found when they emptied out the bathroom garbage…old gum, half eaten granola bars, rotten bananas…doesn’t matter to them.
  • Touch any glass surface anywhere (windows, doors, aquariums, displays). Full hand prints and tongues all over it.

Moral of the story? Obviously, we should do our best to teach them to keep their hands to themselves and make sure they fully grasp how disgusting it is to lick stuff other people touch. AND don’t think too hard about it…you’ll put yourself into a panic. It’s inevitable that it is going to happen, might as well not barf.

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Humor, kids, Parenting

No is Not Another Word For Yes

No means No!

No doesn’t mean Yes!

Dear Kids,

I would like to go over something with you. There seems to be a bit of confusion with the meaning of a very familiar word that we both use all too often. It’s a word that when you, yourself use it, you seem to understand just fine. It’s when anyone else uses this very same word with you, that is when the confusion sets in. The word I am referring to is “No.”

It is such a simple little word. Only two measly little letters. It was actually the first word that all three of you learned when you were very young. “No”. You clearly understood the meaning way back then, but now, I am not so sure. Perhaps you have forgotten. Perhaps there is some sort of confusion in the context of which I say this word. Or maybe, you just don’t hear me or care when I say it.

So, my precious little angels, please know that when I say this word, I really do mean it. It should be the end of the story, case closed…but somehow it is not. “No” doesn’t mean ask 10,000 more times. “No” doesn’t mean maybe. “No” doesn’t mean throw a fit and try to get your way. “No”, is not another word for yes. In reality, it simply means “no”.

I want you to know that I am not just a mean mom…I don’t just say this dreaded word to annoy you or make you mad. There are very good reasons for why I do what I do.

It could be that what you are asking is unsafe.

“Can I play in the construction site across the street after dark?” No.

It could be that what you are asking is too expensive.

“Can you buy me another American Girl Doll for no reason other than I want it?” No.

It could be that what you are asking will take too long for the amount of time that we have available.

“Can you take me to the park to play even though we need to leave for gymnastics in 15 minutes?” No.

 It could be that the timing of your request isn’t the greatest.

“Can I have a snack (right after I just finished cleaning up all the dishes from dinner)?  No.

 It could be that what you are asking for is just annoying, plain and simple.

“Can I buy another giant Nerf gun when we run to Target later.” Hell No.

Or maybe what you are asking for is just simply not a good idea.

“Can you get me the super glue, paint, a Sharpie, and scissors so I can make a “special” art project before school?” No.

So, kids, next time you hear me use the dreaded word “no”, please listen. Don’t argue. Don’t cry and flop around on the floor like a fish out of water. You are not going to get your way. Just listen. It is for your own good. No is not another word for yes.

Love,

Mom

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5 Personalities of a Threenager

Threenager: Size of a three-year-old…attitude of a teenager. I’m sure if you don’t have one yourself, you have seen them around bossing and yelling at everyone in sight. These little divas want to rule the roost, and will do whatever they can to make that happen. I have my very own, feisty threenager. Like most kids, she can be sweet, funny, and adorable…but then at the drop of a hat, she flips the hulk switch and can be bossy, mean, aggressive, and sometimes, very angry. Every day is a challenge and you never really know what you are going to get. Whoever said that twos were terrible duped parents everywhere into thinking that once the child turned three, they left all that behind. Sadly, it doesn’t quite work that way.  Parents (myself included) are blindsided when they realize that three can be so much worse and leaves them wishing for the glory days of the “terrible twos.”

My threenager has several personalities that come out multiple times each day. Each one is very real; each one is very different. Allow me to introduce you to them.

Please meet:

  1. The Sweetheart: This little girl is the sweetest thing you will ever meet. She snuggles, hugs, kisses, and tells you she loves you. She wants to do everything with you, even play with your hair. She is a lovey, adorable little sweetheart. I wish she would come out more often!
  1. The Know It All: This is the girl that knows everything and can do everything by HERSELF. She can get her own shoes on, pour her own glass of milk, and get her own seatbelt buckled. You get the idea. She is fiercely independent and how dare you even think about helping her or giving her any advice on anything. Get used to waiting. They move at the speed of molasses.
  1. The Baby: This is a needy little thing occasionally makes an appearance, especially when they are not feeling good or when you are busy helping a different child. “Mommy do it” for things that she just yelled at me for helping her do 10 minutes ago. Mommy comb my hair; mommy get me milk…NOT DADDY. MOMMY has to do it.
  1. The Drama Queen: Just about everything makes her believe that the world is ending. Your sock feels funny…end of the world. You can’t find the blue blanket…end of the world. Your brother turned the light off when you were in the bathroom…end of the world. Your moive is no longer available on Netflix…the end must be near. Any of these things cause massive melt downs and on-the-ground tantrums.
  1. The Angry Dictator: This girl is mean. She says a lot of, “Mine” or “You’re stupid”. She can go from Sweetheart to Angry Dictator in a matter of seconds. And the looks…the evil, angry face. You live in a constant state of fear not knowing when the dictator will emerge. Look out. She might cut you.

I am hoping that these multiple personalities disappear with time and that only one remains. The one that is happy, loving, funny, and perfect like I know she really is. This too shall pass, right?

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Things That Drive Moms Nuts

Have you ever met a mom that doesn’t get irritated by some little thing their kid does? I am pretty sure that they don’t exist. Kids do lots of things that just plain old infuriate most moms. They learn very early on how to push buttons…and they will test you over and over again, probably until they are grown.

I would wager that all moms probably have a couple things that their kids do that can push them right over the edge into crazy land. Maybe it’s a sound they make, a word they say over and over, or something that they do that drives you crazy. For me, well, there are a lot of things that just drive me nuts.

I have decided to put together a lovely little list of the things that my kids do that instantly make my blood boil. Warning: This post may raise your blood pressure and elicit feelings of rage and frustration.  It is probably in your best interest to read this with a big, full, glass of wine.

  • The constant background noise of children bickering. Kids are constantly fighting about anything and everything (50 reasons my kids are fighting). “It’s my turn.” “He’s looking at me.” “No, I was here first.” It’s like an annoying buzz in your ear that you can’t get away from.
  • Putting empty food boxes back in the pantry. Why can’t you just throw it away? If you eat it all, throw it away. Seems simple. Why even waste the time putting it back into the pantry? It just doesn’t make sense.
  • Loading toy purses and bags full of puzzle pieces, cards, and game pieces. They haul their crap from one room to another and then unload it where it will be sure to get kicked under the couch or shoved in dark corner, possibly to never be seen again. I don’t think we even own one complete puzzle or game.
  • Going to the bathroom with an audience. The second I enter the bathroom, it becomes party central before I can close the door. I am glad you love me so much you want to watch me poop.
  • For the love of God…put the damn covers back on the markers! Why do you insist on taking them all off and throwing them on the floor? Every single time. Seriously, just kill me.
  • “Mom, Look!” Then they proceed to shove whatever it is directly into your cornea.
  • Taking forever to get out of the car. Especially when they decide to exit the vehicle through the door that is furthest away from where they are sitting. Most of the time they will need to jump over human beings to accomplish this.  There is nothing more frustrating than standing outside in the below zero temperatures of Minnesota waiting for a kid to get out of the car.
  • Bite off the erasers to all the pencils. Why? What is the purpose of this? They don’t eat them, so it is not like they enjoy the taste. It’s a treasure hunt trying to find just one to do homework with…except all you get at the end is an eraserless pencil.

Is your blood boiling, too? Aghhhhhh! Drink up, my friend.

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Life Grinch

The Grinch. I’m sure you’ve heard of him…he is the green, furry A-hole that stole Christmas. Most often, people think about him at Christmas time when the movie is on TV just about every hour. But I say, why save your grinching just for Christmas time? Grinching is a year-round thing for me and I have branded myself as a “Life Grinch”. The thing is, people just really annoy the shit out of me. Always have, and probably always will. It’s not that I am perfect and no one can compare to me. In fact, I am so far from perfect, that it is not even funny and I am sure that people are just as annoyed with me as I am with them. But me, I am just easily annoyed and have no patience for stupidity…or just patience in general.

My entire life, people have told me I am too grumpy, too emotional, and too easily annoyed. “Relax” they say. “Chill out” Barrie. But I just can’t help it. I’ve got a mean “Resting Grinch Face” and I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.

Just think about it for a minute. Imagine how stupid the average person in this world is. Think about that total moron you work with, or that dumba** driver you were stuck behind on the way home today. Are you visualizing? Then, realize that half of the population is even more stupid than that. I mean…that is a scary thought. How can a person not be irritated and crabby when dealing with that level of incompetence?

So, as a Life Grinch, here are some of the reasons that I might want to punch you in the face.

  • You put reindeer antlers or eyelashes on your car. Why? It is not funny. A car will never be a reindeer nor do they need eyelashes. Please give me one good reason why you would do this and maybe I will remove you from this list.
  • Chewing loudly. No one wants to hear you eat.  Keep it down and shut your big mouth.
  • Not flushing the toilet after you go number 2 in a public bathroom. I will never understand this. In fact, I wrote an entire post about it. Click Here. Do us all a favor and just pull the lever when you are done.
  • If you like the day of Tuesday you deserve a punch, right in the face. Nothing good ever comes out of Tuesday. Again, an entire post was devoted to my hatred of this bitch of a day. Click Here.
  • People that don’t move their purse off the church pew to make room for you. Why? Does your purse really need a spot on the pew at church? Does your purse need special space and breathing room? Seriously, just set it on the floor and deal with it like everyone else. I don’t love sitting all snuggled up next to strangers either, but it is what it is. It is one hour. Stop being an asshole.
  • If you speak fluent Pokémon. I don’t really understand any of it and I honestly just don’t want to talk about it. Here is a special little ditty I wrote about all it. Click Here. But really… just stop telling me about all your adventures with Pikachu.
  • Greedy rich people. For the love of God, please top flaunting your money and stop being assholes. Just because you have money, doesn’t mean you are better than others. You may be more successful, yes…but not better. Guess what? Our graves will all be the same size at the end, jack wagons.
  • People that don’t put their dogs on a leash when they go for walks. Your dog may be well-behaved, fine. But when you live in a neighborhood with lots of children, you can’t expect them not to run up to you. They are kids. To them, dogs are fluffy, cute, and cuddly animals. So, put your angry, rabid dog on a leash. Also note: not everyone loves your dog as much as you do.
  • People that walk down the middle of a parking lot super slow paying no attention to the cars that need to drive down the lane. They just dilly dally around with no cares in the world. Are you sightseeing? I mean, honestly. Just walk into the store. What could possibly be so interesting to see in a parking lot. Must be so pleasant in the world in your head.
  • If you are a wizard…or if you like them. I don’t get it. What is there to like about Wizards?

See? I’m a life Grinch. I own it. Take it or leave it. We are all just trying to make our way in this insanely over-crowded world. All you positive, happy-go-lucky folks, keep it up. That’s your way. Life grinching, that’s my thing. Now go away and stop annoying me.

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