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Before I had my own children, I used to think that I would be the cool mom, the fun mom, the loving mom. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be the mom that does so many things wrong. Now, as a mom of an 8-year old, 7-year old, and 3-year old, I have discovered that my assholery and stupidity are top notch. I mean, really superb. Every single day I am reminded of this fact as my kids are pissed off at me for one reason or another. Most of the time I don’t even know why. The mood swings are real. The meltdowns are real. The anger is oh so real. One minute they love me so much they want to watch me poop, and the next they are slamming their bedroom door in my face because I asked them what they did outside. It’s hard to keep up.


Here are 10 ways I have pissed off my kids today:

  1. I woke them up. We just started the day off wrong. It’s not the weekend and they have to go to school. So right off the bat, I am an asshole.
  2. I asked them what they want to eat for breakfast. Ummmmm…..nothing.
  3. I tell them to get dressed and change their underwear and socks. Why wouldn’t socks be worn 11 days in a row?
  4. I ask them to brush their teeth in their own bathroom. We don’t need 5 people in my bathroom getting ready all at the same time. Please note: Apparently, this is one of the meanest things a mom can ever do.
  5. I make them ride the bus to school. The good parents drive their kids to school every day. I make mine take the bus and stand out at the bus stop.
  6. I ask them how their day was when I pick them up from school. Duh…it’s fine.
  7. I make the wrong dinner. Every night. Every time. Even when I make exactly what they ask for.
  8. I rent them a movie. That’s not fun. At least one of them doesn’t want to watch it. This is my assholery at its finest. 
  9. I leave the house to drive one of them to a sport. The one that doesn’t have the sport that night is pissed that I am leaving. They hate me, but can’t be without me for five minutes. 
  10. I look at them. Apparently, this is always off limits.

As you can see, when it comes to being a mom, I’m some sort of savage, mean, brute. Clearly, all of these are legit reasons to hate your mom and be upset.

Hey kids, I raised you from infancy and we made it this far, so I think I must be doing something right. I’m doing my best. Stop being mad at me.

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